5 shot whisky
Hey, I just met you
And this is crazy
You’ve been abducted
Die in my basement
Back at the precinct, the poo detectives were sitting in the captains office watching their captain scream in an uproar and throw his desk across his office. Red faced with sweaty veins popping out of his throat, the captain leaned over his tumbled desk and looked the detectives in the eyes.
‘you shot the fucking lawn mower with the child within inches of your line of fire?!’ the captain was screaming.
‘yeah cap, I just barely missed the kid. That’s what we’re here for right? Because we have to pony up for the mower?’
The captain looked at the officer with disgust. ‘look, boys,’ the captain said rubbing his forehead, ‘why did you become cops in the first place?’
Tom spoke up, ‘I never graduated high school and the police force is the top employer for underachievers.’
Worts, ‘im a cop, I hate people. uhhhh, like, I shot all those black silhouettes. Come on skip, I even shot the other guys black targets too.’
The captain stared at the two with his mouth dropped. ‘look, tom, gene,’ the captain started.
‘your names gene? As in Eugene? How did I not know this? I mean, we been working together for years and I never once knew your name was Eugene.’ Tom coffey stated, confused.
Worts shook his head, ‘no, its general. Not Eugene. and since when is your name coffey? Just yesterday your name was g-‘
‘no, no. I changed my name, abruptly to avoid conflict. its not that old name anymore. Look, lets not make a big deal about it, only two people knew my old name, really, so lets just move on like nothing happened, ok? Besides, general? who the hell names their kid general? General worts?’ coffey spit out laughing.
‘Shut the FUCK UP!!’ the captain kicked his overturned desk. ‘god you guys are fucking stupid. General worts?! What the fuck is that? Did your fucking parents fail your fucking abortion too you fucking fuck? Fuck!’
‘I was never aborted, sir…’
after a big sigh, the captain leaned in. ‘I got hired on as a desk guy mostly. I never wanted to stay in law enforcement until this one day.
One day I went to go inquire about this guys car parked kinda close to a fire hydrant, right? Well, this house was kinda run down so I figured this guy was just some scumbag who was going to give me a hard time when I went to knock on his door. So, I knock, and all I can think about is how bad this house reeks. Not just any stink, I mean, this place fucking reeked, of putrefaction. It smelled so bad on the outside of the house I was really worried this guy was dead inside the house. It was summer time and his body could have been rotting for a few days.
So, I knock and all I can hear is a couple radios turned all the way up and a television set with the volume at its highest. So, I bang and bang on the door. Nothing. I don’t want to give this guy a ticket, at this point I just want to make sure he’s ok in there, so I bang again, and I still cannot get this guy to come to the door. You know, I must have made so much noise that I scared a deer from his backyard. This thing just hopped a fence and ran into the nearby bush line.
After I settled from being frightened by the deer I snuck around the house to peek into his kitchen.
Somebody had to be home; there was a rib roast on the stove top and a pot boiling. In the roasting pan was a full rack of ribs, burnt up real bad, like they were forgot in the oven, but the ribs were big, like full grown animal ribs. I could see in just enough through the window to get a small glimpse into the pot and I saw a skull of some sort. I ran to the back door and kicked it in. there it was, there was a boiling fucking head in the pot. A human head. I jumped back; I was shocked, I’ve never seen anything like that before, ever.
Now I have to investigate this guys house, make sure it isn’t him on the stove top. I couldn’t piece together in my mind what was happening.
I hear this rattling, screaming voice downstairs so I run down these old wood stairs and kick open the wood door to see a woman chained to a bloody mattress on this dirt floor. the radios were down there and they were just blaring. I ran over to her to open up her shackles. She was crying, filthy, naked and hysterical. I looked around for something to cut off her restraints, when I saw another woman hanging by one arm in some shackles against a wall. She looked like she was sleeping standing up; one arm hanging up and the rest of her body slumping over. I shook her, but she didn’t move.
I had to get help, so I ran upstairs and ran out of the front door to run to my car radio and when I got out I saw this car jetting away from the house. I pulled out my side arm and fired 5 shots into the car’s rear window. The car eventually skidded into a pole where it froze still. the front windshield was smashed and blood slathered the interior. It was my police intuition to put 5 shots in that guy, that motherfucker. He was trying to escape this fucking nightmare in that basement, I thought. I put three in his back and two in the head. The exit wounds lifted his forehead right off and when he hit the pole his brain flew out of his face and passed out the broken windshield and shattered on the hood and road. I called for help on the radio and called everybody I could.
I ran over to check on the guy in the car to make sure he wasn’t moving or going to escape, when I kept hearing this crunching like I was grinding glass under my heel. It wasn’t glass; I was stepping on fragment of his brain and it was pulverized under the weight of my body and getting stuck in my treads.
Help came and we went back downstairs. We pulled 4 girls from that basement.
The statements from the girls were brutal and shocking. I had to testify as to what I saw; the head, the ribs, the man I shot, the dead girl hanging on the wall… the pit. Oh god, help me. There was a pit with a piece of plywood over it, held down with sandbags. When I pulled the plywood off there were two girls crammed into this pit that this guy dug with a shovel in his basement floor. They were chained together. They were so cramped into this pit that their limbs were wrapped around each other like a pit of vipers.
In court, the two girls testified that they were kidnapped prostitutes, captured one after another and kept in this pit until it got too full, and their captor started chaining them to mattresses or walls based on seniority. one of the girls was used to call over another prostitute she knew, so this guy could kidnap her too. She helped kidnap another girl so she wouldn’t have to stay in the pit. The captor made the victims beat each other with iron rods and belts so they wouldn’t gain trust for each other and work against the captor. It was sick how this was all planned out. The girls were abducted and kept for months before I got there.
A girl was electrocuted when their captor jabbed her shackles with an exposed wire, because she wouldn’t stop screaming, which is why the radios were turned up; so nobody could hear anything. The guy, their captor they always called ‘dear dean’. I guess dean was his name and he wanted to be referred to as darling or charming I guess. In the confession, the girls stated that to get rid of the body that was electrocuted, he cooked parts of it and mixed it with canned dog food and fed it to the girls in sandwiches of wonder bread, that’s where the smell came from. One girl, shackled to the wall refused to eat and she became so weak from starvation that she couldn’t keep her strength enough to hold her body up on the wall. She became so weak that she slumped down and eventually strangled herself when she couldn’t find the strength to pick up her own head. When they took her off the wall, she was already decomposing, her wrist was a few hours from detaching, under the weight from the rest of the body. Out of the two girls in the pit, only one came out alive; she suffocated the other girl in the pit accidentally when they were fighting for space; her stomach forced the others girls face into the pit’s wall where she died choking on the loose dirt.’
‘’you shot that guy though?’ worts asked.
The captain shook his head. ‘no. It wasn’t him. The girls kept confessing that dear dean was actually a deer, named deen. Deen the deer. By their confession, I thought they were hallucinating, but their story was consistent. The guy I shot was just a family man, the next door neighbour leaving to get cigarettes at the store. His kids were watching out the window and watched me gun him down.
The girls kept saying it was a deer that walked upright and wore clothes. He was going to create an unholy colony of murderous deer/humanoid hybrid. Christ, one of the girls was pregnant.
After the whole thing was done, I went home. I had a drink of this 5 shot whisky and I threw up.’
‘from the trauma and stress?’ inquired worts.
‘no,’ the captain shook his head. ‘the drink tasted like shit.’
A small, square plastic envelope. Like a condom package.
Watery, bland, neutral. Light wiffs of charred oak and toasted grain. Slight menthol and wet lined paper.
Bland and slight, black licorice lozenges, dry cereals, void.
Unfortunately, there is no information floating around on this spirit.
Purchased in cuba, this is simply neutral grain spirit with oak extract and other flavourings added to it.