bourbon scented pocketbac anti bacterial hand sanitizer

Pocketbac bourbon anti-bacterial hand sanitizer

 

Challenge #2 – I unexpectedly bled out of my penis for a couple days

 

Editors note:

In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are my observations of when I bled out of my penis for a couple days. Whereas most of our articles are 95% true, this will hold 100% truth, so, yes, I actually bled out of my penis for a couple days. Enjoy.

 

When you’re a kid growing up in school, things seem pretty challenging; how can I see up that girl’s skirt? How can I get that turd into the sink? What is salmonella and did I really get it from that turtle scratch? Should I really be reading articles from Canadian whisky enthusiast?

Well, if you are asking yourself those questions, it’s likely that your parents fucked up along the way. Truthfully, you might as well find a way to pass the time that you’re in detention or the hospital, or, eventually prison, and try this handy suggestion; the clear stuff on the teachers desk. Pump it, drink it, do it.

A class of first graders discovered that if they drank the clear stuff on the teacher’s desk, they became a little dizzy, things were a little funnier and raffie was faaar out, man. It took a while for the teacher to discover that her innocent first graders were fucking hammered on hand sanitizer.

And now, lucky for us adults with very little money and looking to get shit faced, real classy like, we don’t have to be ashamed of ourselves anymore, because the people at pocketbac made bourbon flavoured hand sanitizer. Here’s our review:

Alc. 68% ethanol

Nose:

The nose oddly enough, smells super bright and fruity, but not like the turned down nose of good bourbon, this smells more of low grade cologne. Highly spirited, it burns the nostrils. The appearance is even a little funny; this is blood red with little blue balls floating around the mix.

You know what, blood red with blue balls….reminds of a time ….a horrible time that I actually had faced one of my own personal challenges in life which pushed me to my limits and exercised my pain threshold to new heights.

I found blood coming out of the end of my penis.

Now, our story doesn’t just start off with me shooting streams of blood out my cock, it starts with an incredible, unforeseen, undeserved and unimaginable amount of pain, localized directly in my shaft.

Lets consider this sort of a public service announcement.

If your dick hurts go see a doctor, you fucking dummy. Its not just going to go away, you’re not the lucky guy who gets a symptom for a day or two. Its going to get worse.

First, it hurts to pee. Ok, sure, its just a little sting, but after a couple days, I found myself gripping onto a table and squeezing it until my fingernails bent, I bit my lip until I tasted blood, my knees trembled and I choked back vomit as I stood in front of the toilet as all I could squeeze out was just a trickle of urine, which passed acid and salt over what felt like an open wound, inside my peter. Matter of fact, I felt like I had a blockage in my dick, like somebody shattered a marble inside my willy and I was pissing out the fragmented glass. It felt as if I was peeing AROUND the broken marble and what little pressure I could apply was helping to push the glass out and shredding the inside of my urethra 1 millimeter at a time.

Let me point out that this is not a joke and I am not exaggerating.

After visiting a walk-in clinic, I received some negative test results; I was left without answers and a fuck-ton of pain to experience in my very near future.

Not being able to pee(or ejaculate), I became physically ill. I was becoming septic. I was weak and tired and felt like throwing up constantly. The pain became worse. After painful peeing, blood would drop out. My life was a nightmare with no explanation why. Morningwood hurt, sleeping on my stomach hurt, walking and mr. happy swinging into my pants hurt. I limped. People asked me if I hurt my leg, I said ‘no’.

With my doctor golfing in florida and I was at home facing a catastrophic situation, I had to pack up my gear and go to the emergency room. I sat in triage for 45 minutes while I watched a man cling barely to life beside me. When the nurse came I gave up my spot so the man next to me could be seen. I didn’t think he was going to make it passed triage. Then, I sat beside him as we both waited 4 hours just to be seen. He told me how he got lung cancer working in a factory and he couldn’t get disability pay because he could still work, with obtuse breathing impairment, so back to the factory he went, until he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Now, my problems didn’t seem so bad anymore, although in privacy i prayed to the sun god you Christians call jesus for mercy or death when I had to piss.

With my doc getting a hole in one in florida, I was in the falls getting a hole in one…of my arms. after the nurses lost my samples, I was sent back into become a human pin cushion. More needles, more urine sample, more blood came out from all sorts of different openings. 6 hours later, my test results came back; negative. More excruciating cock torture.

My big big friend would text me asking if I could save whatever came out of my penis so he could put in a jar for display on his mantle, and my buddy craig would message everyday to check up on me. Craig and I usually joke and chat whisky, but this time the tone of conversation sounded like he was speaking to a dying friend.

After 2 weeks of absolute genital torture I went to see my doc and told him everything, while fighting back tears. My member throbbed in pain. I had blood stains on my boxers.

Smiling, he wrote me a script for antibiotics and said ill be relieved in a couple days, and which I was! I’ve never been so happy just to push out a stream of yellow gold. Apparently prostate infections will not show up in urine and blood tests. So, don’t be stupid. See your doc.

As well, don’t be stupid; don’t do the tide pod challenge, idiot. Drink antibacterial hand sanitizer instead.

Palate:

The taste is just like the smell; fruity and bright, with some powerful numbing effects on the tongue. It tastes like it smells, and even has a slight trace of wood extract, which I could not pick up on the nose. The finish is long and floral. After drinking some water, I can still taste the sanitizer. My breath smells of ck1.

Overall: 68

The fact that I rate this higher than a couple whiskies ive drank is somewhat concerning.

Please note:

If you drink enough hand sanitizer that contains alcohol as the active ingredient, you run the potential of going permanently blind and suffering permanent neurological damage, which will impair your motor skills. There are hand sanitizers on the market that are alcohol free.

My only regret with this challenge is that I didn’t have more blood. I would have liked to piss out streams of blood, like a gwar concert, or the closing scenes from carrie. I would spray a room with dick blood and win bets at parties, or traumatize drunk first graders. Shit. That’s inappropriate isn’t it?