buffalo trace

Buffalo trace bourbon


Challenge #3 – I became a flat earther


Editor’s note:

In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are our observations of when I became a flat earther, or a person who follows the belief that the earth is flat. Enjoy.


‘I wanted to see who my friends REALLY were, so I dyed my hair blue. When I went to school the next day, nobody would speak to me.’

Darby Crash of the germs.

1958 – 1980


Erf. the only habitable planet in the universe.

Why? We really don’t know for sure, but we do have tangible theories. Some people believe that the earth is a perfect circle, spinning at an awkward angle so quickly that stuff will stick to it because of an unidentifiable notion called ‘gravity’. This perfect circle spins and rotates in a larger circle, surrounded by many other perfect circles around the sun, or so we’re told to believe, and excommunicated when we don’t.

Although, to some the earth is believed to be flat, an endless plane of existence which stretches forever and is 4,000 kilometers thick. To other flat earth theorists, the flat disk is completely surrounded by an ice sheer miles high, called Antarctica, which keeps us from falling off the sides. The disk is covered with a dome and hurtling itself upward through the infinite space of…space. But… who knows? It is widely believed by flat earthers that nasa is simply a shell company created to extort billions of dollars for the world’s elite, forcing its findings to be a lie, hence the first moon landing fiasco. What’s more, is that flat earthers independent attempts to enter space are consistently thwarted by law officials, impeding their trek into space themselves.

After announcing my dedication to the flat earth society and its followers, I was shunned and insulted by friends and family for my being open to alternative suggestions. Yet, my friends and family are Christians; people who follow the belief that an angry space wizard created all these flying orbs, which spin in a circle around each other in a flat manner and that same space wizard made this one globe spin so fast, things would not just fly off of it, like a dog shaking water off its fur, but rather stick to it, like iron shavings on a magnet.

Cool story, bro.

Silly Christians, you’re just following the old pagan belief that is traditional sun worship. Believe it or not, nobody actually owns the sun, right? The usa doesn’t, nasa doesn’t, to Christians its ‘gods’ sun, or god’s son. The light, the way, the gift in which god gives to us so we may live. The sun was depicted as a god or deity by many ancient religions because of its power to heat, to grow crops, to illuminate and ward off the nights predators, therefore, the sun is the life giver. This is why Christians worship on Sunday, or day of the sun.

In the north during winter, the sun rises to its lowest point for about 3 days starting on December 22, which represents the longest and coldest days of the year. The sun doesn’t set any higher until December 25, the birth of Christ, or simply, the resurrection and raising of the sun, at which point it sets just a little higher each day until the summer equinox, the longest day of the year. The belt of orion(the strip of three stars) happens to line up on top of the sun where it sets over that time, and it appears that they point directly in line with the sun, or, these are three wise men who follow the sun until its birth or ascent on December 25.

We are not just talking about the ancient Egyptians; there are many ancient religions that happen to follow the same beliefs and also praise the sun, like religions followed by the Greeks, Indians, cretes and Persians who have also followed the same beliefs surrounding the sun; the three day death, the resurrection, three wise men, virgin birth, blah blah blah, they also named it the son of god, the light, the way, the truth, the king of kings, etc. all very familiar to Christianity, which is blatant plagiarism of sun worship deities.

Christianity and the holy bible are just collections of stories pieced together by a team of writers and put seamlessly and coherently in a book. That book also tells people a story of redemption; do good, receive good(heaven), do bad, receive punishment(hell). Just like growing up we are told if we’re good, santa will come and give us the glory of gifts, and if we are bad, santa will punish us with useless, dirty coal. We all know that there is no santa coming around to deliver gifts, so why do we believe in the adult version of santa? A bearded old man who lives in the sky and sees all of our actions and judges us on them? An all knowing, undiscovered existence beyond our interpretation that will maim, blight and kill anybody who believes something different?

Further, to believe in a man who was killed and resurrected by a greater existence, who then goes on to have the most fantastic of powers has another definition: lich. A lich is an undead creature that was killed and resurrected(typically by a sorcerer, or a being with a multitude of fantastic powers unseen in modern life, such as resurrection), who can then take on a body and can control hordes of lesser minded individuals at will. The lich also retains a very high intelligence and can deftly handle magical properties such as transformation, manipulation, healing and yes, resurrection.

Ok, so that might sound like a low blow, but tell me, why do we not read about the events in the bible in our non- christian history books? The entire world flooded? Predator and prey living in harmony on the same boat? A man separating an entire sea? Raining frogs? Every first born Egyptian child killed? A once dead, but resurrected lich king followed by 12 others who traveled the world, curing disease and resurrecting the dead?

The holy bible is simply another reincarnation of sun worship, which was interpreted as a standard of living, a set of morals, a template as to live, so we are not in anarchy, we do not live as savages.

I have explained my side, the other side of the argument and those who follow gods path attack and insult me saying that I am ignorant, stupid, but why? Why would I be ignorant or stupid for being critical of a fairytale based on magic in which none of its characters have ever been discovered in modern life or ever documented by ancient historians? With our technology to dig up and recreate dinosaurs, why have we not uncovered anything physical from the bible? Nothing from 2018 years ago?

My friends, to not ask questions and to believe strictly what you are told without seeking the truth is ignorance, defined.

So please, excuse me if it sounds weird that I want to hear what a collection of flat earthers want to say; I want to hear the other side of the argument, and if so, I may wish to change my opinion or belief on what I have been told. Besides, if the earth is or is not flat, it wouldn’t matter to the buffalo; they’re on top of the world, they’ll never fall off and they’ll just keep on making trace.


Alc. 45%


I love bourbon. Heres why: big creamy corn texture full of fat and buttery oils. Fresh earth, foamy banana candies, fresh lilacs, lacquer and cherry flavoured suckers. These are the staples of any bourbon worth its salt. Dried orange peel, dehydrated coconut, charred wood and a little spirity kick.


vanilla pudding, cream corn, corn oils, char, cherries, damp earth and mushrooms. The nose predicts the palate aside from the peppery start and the silk smooth finish. Wet lined paper, cocoa.

overall: 87

pretty good at a fair price. 40$ lcbo

please note:

a nas product which is stated to be a blend of roughly 40 barrels at a time, received from the middle racks of the warehouse, which is widely believed as the sweet spot. This is at least 8 years old[sic] and may even have a minimum of 9.5 years.

A low rye bourbon(10% or less) this is buffalo traces recipe mash #1, which can be found in other buffalo trace/sazerac owned bourbons and is featured in the buffalo trace white dog #1.