caldera hurricane 5

Caldera hurricane 5

Challenge #4a – I became a troll – the set up

Editors note:

In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are my observations of when I became a troll on the internet, then, in real life. Enjoy.

Magic missile hardly even works when you’re a level 15 magic user. Sure, its handy when you’re facing down a bunch of pussy clerics when they might cast ‘cause light wounds’ or ‘sticks to snakes’ on your shit because you’re busy stomping the fuckers after trying to burn down their church at night, but 7 missiles doing 1d4+1 is fuck all when you’re getting mauled by a werebear or a pack of displacer beasts. Stumble upon some sleeping kobolds and sure you have a chance, but when you’re level 15 you should be pulling out disintegrate or death ray because sooner or later you’re going to come across a troll.

Yes, the troll. The dreaded lurking troll is usually found hunting for blood solo or in communities either in caves, or underground in the woods, and they are ferocious, fanatic fighters who gnash with tooth and claw. fearless; they fight until death, regenerate health over time and are only destroyed by fire. Trolls have been known to fight each other for power and control over a colony, even a battle between two trolls is vicious; they fight until they dismember the opponent and tear them limb from limb. The winning troll will decapitate the loser troll and throw the head as far away from the body as possible and let it rot. It’s no matter; the troll will regenerate limbs and head from the torso. The reason the loser troll is beheaded is only to add insult to injury; the torso will grow limbs quickly, but have to sit and sulk while it waits an entire week for its head to regenerate.

Those trolls though, they are the mythical creatures that come out only in fairytales and fantasy games. The real life troll is far less intimidating, far less admirable and far more gruesome in appearance. Covered in cheese flavoured powder and has the complexion of an adult raised under fluorescent light. The real life troll is a bully aged between 20 and 40, sterile, cowardly, entitled, emblazoned, miserable, and unaccomplished. Hiding behind a screen of some sort they poke fun at people to make others unhappy as well. They tend to do it behind fake social media accounts and alias too, because no proper employer would hire somebody who pokes fun at kids with cancer. Unoriginal and thoughtless trolls tend to insult and aggravate others by using gifs and memes created by a more intelligent being. They steal others creative material to speak for them. The troll is unsuccessful in life and living in denial. Example; I’ve never seen my doctor tweeting jokes about me bleeding out of my penis. A hell yeah guy is simply too stupid to troll.

And so, this is where I happen to step in. I’m going to troll trolls. I’m going to use my powers of evil for good, aaand some entertainment. So I joined a pack of trolls that amused me and observed their actions. When a facebook page went live somebody would share it and state ‘couch auction’ at which point a pack of trolls would swamp the live feed and inquire about the couch auction, quite simply. ‘Am I late for the couch?’ ‘Has bidding started on the couch?’ ‘$3.75!’ ‘Is the couch in a smoking home?’ ‘Would the couch fit in my 88 honda civic?’ these are examples of the light playful trolling to happen on live facebook pages. If the person running the page became offended or angry, the colony would simply disperse. If the person caved in and found it amusing, the legion would continue, ‘can you put a shoe on your head to start the auction?’ ‘Can you put a shoe on the couch?’ ‘$3.95!’ this is all just innocent humour and the swarm would never go too far or pester the live feed. I laughed uncontrollably when a man draped in the American flag put a shoe on his head ‘for America!’ he was a good sport, and we all laugh and mention it.

However, there are people who take their feed serious, there are grown adults who dress as lunatic clowns and listen to electronic dance music…. Very strange. They don’t like us.

As well, just recently our flat earth challenge has been trolled by an intoxicated middle aged divorced and uber lonely English broad named Sonya bec. Her insults fell flat as my staff came forth to dismantle the troll. My pr guy, gary, my online correspondence guy, gary, and my complaints dept guy, gary all chimed in to embarrass and politely overpower this woman who attacked us with a meme about a ‘global earth’ like a fucking dummy. We were nice as my staff has been informed to do and we even entertained her with a nice, free, story of peering into a shattered rabbit skull and discovering secret artifacts hidden in the flavourful, tender insides(no charge). But, she returned the volley in which she told us our Canadian president trump was a global terrorist. After stating our Canadian president was indeed not Donald trump, but instead a handsome queer, we then stapled that she had no power to offend us, because we are trolls on our own turf. We thrive on self destruction and gladly nosedive into career suicide. Look at us closely, we have the tiniest penises you’ve ever seen! Me, the ceo, gary has to spread his pubes to piss, or else the piss gets all caught up in my pubes and then runs down to my ass crack and gives me a rash. im open to tell everybody about this and some day drunk misanthrope with terrible horse hair who was born without a vagina and her only sex organs were two rectum can troll us?

Now, I’m warmed up. I’ve seen what trolling trolls has to offer, but I’m not done. I’m unsatisfied. I am not a coward or feebleminded, I can think on my feet, I am original, unique and creative. There is a place in my beloved village where trolls have taken hold of a building and openly troll chippawa. I will physically troll the owners of this building. To know me personally, is to know that I can manipulate moods and actions with my words and delivery alone.

To change a person’s day is nothing.

I will change the person.

I will break their spine over my knee.

And so, to apologize, I must: this is a set up, there are greater things ahead, like the whisky you will read about after this. Calderas first release is nothing special, but it’s a set up for something better.

Alc. 40%


Dry oak and light egg nog backed with toffee and a little orange, but this is nothing to go ga-ga over. The nose is very light but has a nice presence of berries. Simple.


Egg nog sweet and thin entry, switches to toffee and vanilla with some vodka impressions. Possibly some fairly high abv spirit was blended into this. Cleaning solution and orange peels close this up with a swift finish. Simple and quick even with generous air.

Overall: 82

A sleepy, young expression. Ok to sip, I guess.

Please note:

Caldera is a fairly new distillery in nova scotia. The distillery is named after one of the largest ships ever built in river john, ns. the name hurricane 5 comes from the fifth hurricane to hit nova scotia in 1939 and apparently nothing much significant happened in the entire province since then.

Although the whisky is primarily sourced from Alberta[sic] and finished in bourbon barrels on site in nova scotia, the grains used to make future caldera whiskies are all grown on the caldera property, making this an eventual grain to glass effort.