Cognac finished crown royal reviews
An open letter to Joshua gershon Feldman of the coopered tot
Hey man, where the hell are you? This was supposed to be a joint article of two overweight men reviewing some cognac finished crown royal, you know, the two best spirits writers, ever, in the world, come together in one article written by a knowledgeable, handsome and smart whisky reviewer and yourself too.
Oh, you’re busy. Right. I fucking invented ‘busy’. Busy is what I tell my mother when I don’t return her phone calls for weeks. Geez man, I knew you were cheap, but now you’re withholding on the time you spend writing an article with somebody else? Burning the candle at all nine ends, I suppose. It’s probably better off you don’t join in on this article, because you and I are at such polar differences; one of us writes interesting things and the other guy keeps refusing to write an article with me.
So, if anybody is taking the time to read this, let me explain a little something about my relationship with josh: I may have started the embryo of Canadian whisky enthusiast, but our friend josh deliberately mutated that tiny little baby into something horrific. Josh took a liking to me when he read an article where I wrote about sawing off the top of your head and pouring straight whisky into your own skull, because it’s like ‘pouring sunshine on your brains’ rather than realistically killing yourself painfully. After that josh said that my writing was like that of the greats; bukowski, Thompson, etc, and he pushed me to be more creative and imaginative, which I can truly appreciate, but I think relating me to the likes of the world’s best writers, I either find him ignorant for saying so, or I’m stupid for listening to it. besides, I just can’t afford the cocaine necessary to be like hunter s Thompson, nor do I have the constitution to sustain all the heroin use of burroughs. nevertheless, I pushed on to write about cannibalism, serial murderer animals and the odd fart joke, all the while, josh was behind me, rooting me on to be more and more wild. When I asked him if it was ok to publish a whisky review involving a deer that literally smashed a hole in someone’s skull and then fucked their brains until the point of ejaculation, coop told me this: ‘if you don’t post that [article] publicly, you’re a pussy and if anybody gets offended, then they’re a pussy and not worthy of reading your reviews’. So, I screamed BONZAI! as I published the article, in an outrageous public display of career suicide. Then, he disappeared. He didn’t have time to chat with me anymore, although following his word I continued to become so strange that my wife believes I’m suffering through a split personality disorder. me reaching out to coop is like when a dog goes missing and months later it returns home, feral and rabid. Im hooome.
With that in mind, coop gave me direction as well as the ambition to piss on another man’s territory; I attacked the pitiful whisky sponge in his own style of writing. Matter of fact, I beat him like Pontius pilate whipping jesus Christ on a crucifix. The sponge ended up running off to josh crying about how somebody could be so careless with his feelings. After that, I believe the sponge blocked me from reading his facebook page, which I benefit from, because I’m no longer obligated to waste two and a half minutes reading useless gutter language and shameful name dropping to attract readers. Tisk, tisk sponge. You’ve been figured out. I was going to listen to the whisky pod cast in which he revealed his identity to the public, so I could continue to harass him personally on his own time, but I couldn’t be bothered to sit through so many fucking commercials from a guy who I’m sure is doing this ‘for the love of whisky’, and not the endorsement cash from running a commercial every 4 god-fucking-damned minutes on air. Besides, the sponge is a bitter scot, not batman. What the fuck does anybody care what his name is? It’s probably ian. Shit, is his name actually ian? I was just trying to stereotype a Scotsman.
This is not about those guys though. It’s about you never having time to write a joint article with me. This was supposed to be me and you mano a mano writing about crown royal. I’m probably better off that you haven’t ‘found the time’ to write with me, I mean, once a year you write a fucking encyclopedic article that takes a whole day to read and 2 dictionaries to translate, besides my readers are more into the clicks and grunts of an esoteric minded individual who would rather be writing jokes about fart gas traveling up your peehole when you fart while sitting down. Oooh, I smell an article brewing! Christ, I can’t even find the time to smash you to bits, because your articles are so diplomatic and informative, it would be like trying to do a stand up routine roasting the encyclopedia Britannica.
So I guess I don’t have the time for you either coop.
That’s not true; I was quick to react there. Just to illustrate my true feelings, to know Joshua gershon Feldman personally is a gift. Selfless, caring, nurturing and supportive, he has mentored my team from being shy, unsure budding whisky writers into an uncontrollable, salty clusterfuck of bloodthirsty cannibals, begging to hear you scream in agonizing pain. what I know of josh is mostly positive. He may be the drunken perverted uncle that rubs on your thigh at thanksgiving dinner, but can you blame the guy? He’s hung like a giraffes neck and his cumshot can fill a soda can.
the guy is five star. My biggest gripe as of late with him is when I saw him on television talking about being concerned of peoples safety on a city train(good luck with that), and he never once mentioned that anybody should join our starvation cult. Get your priorities straight, man.
This has gone on long enough, so, in closing, ill just say this: please don’t catch a stray bullet from an anti trump riot and die. I don’t need you physically, but I feel like I need your presence to keep motivating me and giving me confidence. And, when you’re out and about, strolling through the post apocalyptic city that is trumps new York, can you just tell a looter/rioter to cut it out already please? It makes the rest of us lefties look like unemployable assholes. I get it, living in a flawed democracy must suck, since you guys have invested so much time in wearing those stupid t-shirts with eagles on them. But, come on guys, its nascar season! and trump will probably be impeached soon, so you guys can divert your attention to sending freedom overseas by bombing innocent children in the name of stopping isis. Heil! Heil!…I guess that’s not really fair to generalize your entire country, and put my country up on a pedestal considering i just recently found myself heartbroken to read the obituary of a man who used to routinely masturbate in my favourite bar during the summer games. Oh, Canada, you tolerant slut. Canada lets anybody inside them.
Anyway, where are you dude? This is what’s happened to my poor site. Things were going smoothly, but now I’m far beyond hoping for simple cease and desist orders from the public and I fear only subpoenas and prosecution in my near future because of all this weirdo/offensive/borderline racist/culturally ignorant/ignorant-ignorant/self deprecating/confessional whisky writing stuff. When readers ask what space robots and parasitic worms have to do with whisky reviews, I mainly just respond with hostility and death threats. And on top of that, I think the purpose of going alone on this article is to tie up some lose ends; I’m really thinking about closing off my ongoing stories and shutting this cwe thing down. I mean, look at this shit; I’m tying an open letter to you as an article, AND I’m killing two reviews in one shot. Christ, what’s next? I open with a fucking grocery list and tie that into an article? Its probably high time I kill this project before I make a real mockery of myself. I think I’ve taken this stuff too far and I don’t know where to take it next without suffering in quality of ideas. So, congrats, you may be one of my last projects if I decide to kill this writing gig. i hope you pop in every now and then and give us a read sometime, in a way, this is kind of your exploited shame too.
Coop, you’ll always have a spot in our hearts, and you’re always welcome to throw your notes in on these whiskies whenever you get to it.
Miss you man.
Garys notes on cognac finished crown royals
Crown royal cask 16
A taller version of a crown royal bottle. Feminine and elegant. Giant screw top lid.
Sweet and fruity. Just packed with dusty golden fruits and raisins, with fresh sawdust and vanilla sugar to follow. Apples and flower blossoms with trace leather. Syrup, honey and some subtle bass notes of coffee or cocoa. spicy
Thin mouthfeel, bouncing with rye and pepper leading into a smooth, sweet finish. Ever so complex, wood, hard candies, vanilla custard and sweet fruits with a bitter chocolate finish.
A spicy ride with fruity rye and cognac. A bit jumpy on the palate, but quite enjoyable. Worth the 100$
Crown royal xo
It’s a crown royal bottle with a nice round screw top and rounded edges made to imitate a cognac bottle.
Thick with corn, rotten dark fruits and golden raisins, fresh sawn wood and dusty rye. A touch of baking spice and slight acetone. Some hard cherry candies and the slightest inkling of bourbon. Fresh, herbal smell with eucalyptus.
Very fruity and light, peppermint candies with a black pepper and dry oak finish. Slightly tannic. Silky smooth finish that glides down the throat with an incredible mouthfeel.
By far the smoothest crown royal I’ve ever tried, possibly the smoothest Canadian I’ve ever tried. Pretty good. Worth the buy.
Diageo currently owns crown royal and as usual, they remain fairly tight lipped about their procedures and specifics.
What we do know is that crown royal cask 16 and crown royal xo are both specially blended crown whiskies, finished in cognac barrels.
Cask 16 is called so because of the markings on the cognac casks in which the whisky was finished. When the crown blend was near completion, the blend was then stored in the cognac casks marked 16, before being diluted and bottled. This particular bottle sold in Ontario for 100$ and has since been discontinued.
Crown xo is named after a grade of cognac known as ‘extra old’ and is regarded as a cognac grade of high quality. This is a different blend than that of cask 16 and has also been finished in cognac barrels. This blend was crafted specifically for the American palate, where it was released before hitting Canadian shelves. This is by far the smoothest crown I’ve ever tasted.
A little research shows that Diageo does not own the majority of any cognac company, but owns 40%(sic) of hennessy cognac. This could help us make an assumption that the cognac barrels used could be from hennessy, although crown reps don’t not confirm nor deny that.