collingwood town collection – double barrel
im doing pretty good, im down my third glass of Collingwood and im playing a spiderman game from the early 90’s which is a side scrolling beat em up, like double dragon. As spiderman, hawkeye, vision or black cat you go around kicking the shit out of venom, electro, doctor octopus, the lizard, sandman, the lizard(in a lab coat), kingpin, hobgoblin and green goblin, 3 venom symbiot at once and doctor doom. But…wait….no, this isn’t right. Where the fuck is mysterio? You fight 4 of the insidious 6? I mean, fuck rhino, but no mysterio? This is tragic! Oh fuck, now im actually kinda pissed. Mysterio is a master illusionist, hypnotist, and likes to dabble as a roboticist. His hand to hand combat is unparallel, due to his days as a professional stuntman. Mysterio has no super powers other than being an expert magician. He makes wearing a fishtank for a skull look cool! Hes so badass that other personalities copycat him and take on his persona and start committing crime and try to murder spiderman. Who cares about superheroes when there are supervillians like modok, galactus or mysterio? Aah fuck. Now, who the fuck is messaging me? Oh, a young man looking for promotion on his website, a vlogging site about whisky.
When the man asked me for promotion(after reading my flat earth article and only my flat earth article) I decided to just shut up and watch his vlog and give him a little feedback. So I watched three goofy newfie waterheads drink cheap beer, crack open a bottle of crown maple and pour it over ice so they could review the drink. They divulged information from the back of the bottle, without any previous reading to pick up a little information(or previous tasting to get a little more acquainted with the taste) and did the 8 minute review in one take, although I could only stomach watching 5 minutes of it.
Let me just say Im fully capable of understanding where the cwe stands in rank among the world’s alcohol reviewers and it goes like this: beer reviewers basically sit at a 0 out of 10. Whiskysponge is a 1 and the other end of the spectrum where you find davin, serge, chuck, broom and where oliver likes to see himself, you have your 10’s. cwe sits at a solid 2. These three dummies remind me of people who you couldn’t leave alone at a club. You walk in with these guys who’re dressed in their favourite camouflage baseball cap and stone cold steve Austin shirt and when you go to get a drink, you come back to find they’re all dead from choking on a lemon seed.
So, I gave him feedback saying to watch other vlogs and try to ape them before he becomes obscured and drowns in mediocrity. Out of my Canadian politeness, I did not inform him that his presentation of three drunk half wits soaking up a free sponsorship for willingly releasing misleading, uninformed, pedestrian, benign, bland, flat, insipid, boring, offensive, nonstimulating excrement had actually angered me. His response was that he will only get bigger. Yes, just as a child matures and grows over time, things become bigger, just like the piece of shit that comes out of them.
Sigh. Im bitter….
After a little reflection, I decided I need to make a change in life.
Challenge #5 – I tried making new friends by adding all the gary schroeders I could find on facebook
In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are my observations of when I tried to make new friends by adding every gary schroeder I could find on facebook.
You know why six is afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine, get it? and do you know why 7 people are afraid of gary schroeder? Because gary ate 9 people! Hahahaha seriously you need to stop me…but that’s not the point. The point is that its tough to make new friends when all you do is fantasize about beating random strangers until they’re left unrecognizable, eating parts of their body and using the money found in their wallet to buy street drugs.
So, in order to become a better person, I decided to get out of my house and make a few new friends, and after I discarded their remains I decided that maybe ill just stick to facebook.
Making new friends in my experience is not an easy thing because as I grow older, I despise everybody I meet just a little more everyday. If the majority of people out there are like me, they simply cannot be trusted. So, I looked for the only people in the world I could possibly enjoy and I added all the gary schroeders I could find on facebook.
Sounds easy enough, to add a bunch of gary schroeders; I mean most of our employees are named gary schroeder, so I wouldn’t confuse their names. Out of 10, 7 accepted my friendship. After asking if I could write about them in an article I was writing, 3 unfriended me immediately. I guess they didn’t want me talking about their private life. Its ok, 2 were right wing xenophobic biker American trump supporting gun advocating bigot racist Christian nuts. One of the garys unfriended me when I said that the gun supporters were fucking losers after yet another school shooting left over a dozen innocent kids dead. He said I was mean.
Out of the remaining three, one is an old biker guy from out west. He seems harmless. One is an English bloke who inspired my ‘girl caught in turd trap’ article. He runs marathons. The other one is a political spectator who trusts absolutely no one. He has outrageous conspiracy theories and writes them on his facebook status as strange haiku. He writes how china is the Americans next nuke target and how agricultural communism will overtake the entire western world, just like Cambodia endured under pol pot.
For some strange reason, im the strangest one of all of them.
Overall, I made three new friends, who I neglect entirely out of fear that they may unfriend me, so this challenge is a success! Its just like Collingwood double barrel; you just keep adding and adding and eventually you’ll hit a win.
toffee, black licorice and baked apples right off the hop. Burnt oak, char, corn, fresh flowers, brown sugar and multitudes of fruit are balanced and weaved in harmony. Banana, cherries, and other bourbon traits follow along with some clay. Instantly complex. vanilla ice cream, lilacs and unfortunately a touch of sharp isoporpryl. Whole grain mustard and old dusty linen.
opens up sweet, with a milk chocolate/chili bar, char, peanuts, fruits and berries in jam. Cherry suckers, fresh flowers, chocolate mint ice cream, baking spice and black pepper. Sour rye, lemon rinds. This is so complex, its difficult to notice the maple sap hiding in the back.
This should not die in obscurity. I hope consumers really pay attention to this bottle. Its brilliant and will earn its place as a legendary Canadian staple.
2017 is an incredible year for Canadian whisky and heres another example: we have a new whisky from master blender chris morris who has a high rye, sour mash whisky, aged in jack daniels barrels(with a 67.5%abv barrel entry) and finished in heavily toasted virgin barrels. Then it is vatted with collingwoods maple staves that float on top of the marrying vat. On top of all that this blend is 100% flavouring whisky, with no base product.
Some of the proceeds will be going to restoring a lighthouse in the town of Collingwood.