drouet vs, melina vsop, vsop, reserve de jean xo, Ulysses xo

Drouet vs, melina vsop, vsop, reserve de jean xo, ulysses xo


*editor’s note: unlike most of our articles, which are 95-100% truth, this is a fake article recently circulated that our ceo, gary schroeder found amusing and decided to have a review published based on the absurdity of its material.



Holy shit!


Lobsters hate you. Yes, those craaazy crustaceans seriously have a bone to pick with you. How would you react if somebody simply plucked you from your home and placed you in a small cage and let the public gawk at you while you sit in an undersized pen and watch in tormented horror as those gawkers eat your family?

Overreacting am i? I’m sure you’ve gone into a restaurant and watched those lobsters in their live tank kinda just lifelessly stare at you from the bottom of the tank. You, with all the freedom in the world, just sitting at a nice covered table with a glass of cognac and a plate full of that lobster’s family. you, smiling as you receive that big platter being set in front of you with that steaming, fragrant , fluorescent red shell with tender white meat. That lobster which was boiled while still alive to preserve its delicious texture, and you systematically tear it limb from limb, rip its torso in half, pull off its legs, slurp out the fatty meat, suck its brain out of the head and let hot drawn butter dribble down your face all while that one lobster stares from its own watery prison. That was its sister, you know. you sick, sick fuck.

Me? I’m ok though. I don’t really eat lobster. Lobsters kind of remind me of insects that live in water. They’re bottom feeding scavengers of the ocean, eating up whatever discarded fish carcasses lay around, decaying in sunken starfish turds, and I tend to frown upon eating shit covered bugs. How the public finds it a delicacy is far beyond me. Even back in the 30’s during the great depression, lobster was an abundant utility protein and prison inmates held hunger strikes and incited riots in reaction to being fed lobster more than 3 times a week. Prison inmates called it ‘cruel and inhumane’ yet, you come to my restaurant and pay 70$ a plate for red seawater scorpion.

Some people however, make smart choices in life, like Jeremy morris. sure, he’s on death row for brutally murdering a couple nuns in cold blood and he just so happens to be covered in facial tattoos and wears a pentagram carved into his forehead, but when he was offered his last meal, he said ‘you know, I’m already going to cause a spike in your electricity bill in a few hours, so I’ll just take a copy of your holy bible.’ Ok, ok, I doubt that’s what he actually said, verbatim, but he did ask for a bible.

When the guards came back to his cell to make sure he was enjoying digesting some biblical scriptures, they saw him actually digesting biblical scripture, the oral way. Tugging at the corner of a page, he would tear out the paper and eat each of the 1,200 pages and savour each one as if it were a potato chip. Not wanting to be wastefull, he even chomped down the entire cover and binding. The prison guards stood and watched him enjoy the good book over the course of a several hours.

When the prison warden was asked why they didn’t intervene on the lunatic eating a holy bible, he responded by saying that ‘it never broke any rules’ and ‘it was inexpensive, it never went over the budget for a last meal’. Truth is, he really should have asked for a bible and something to wash it down. He stayed well within budget eating a bible, he could have splurged and asked for some….





Fresh and bright. Underripe golden fruit, fresh leather, fresh flowers, vanilla pods, short impressions of oak. Apples and candied orange, some strawberry, fresh sawdust and lavender. Fruit becomes a little more ripe with airing.


Buttery smooth, rich and spicy. Bright golden fruit, fresh citrus peel, almost cake like palate. Gentle wood/pepper finish.

Age: 4 – 7 years

Socre: 84


Melina vsop:

Alc. 40%


First impressions on the nose are of vanilla cake, honeyed peaches and fresh red berries. Orange marmalade, leather and light cedar.


Sparkly, effervescent orange soda, and ginger first come to mind. Cooked and stewed mélange of fruits, icing sugar, finishing on dry wood with slight tannins and brown spice.

Age: 6 – 8

Overall: 90


Alc. 40%


Opens on dry wood and sprit, followed by candied orange flesh, and fresh ginger. Still bright and youthful on the nose, with some sweet apples, pears, sour wine and a little dust. Generous airing provides light anise and currants.


Marmalade and vanilla at the front, with a decent viscosity. Fresh ginger and cloves in the middle of the palate, with lime zest. Finishes with earthy wood, raspberries and jammy oranges. The heat is modest but consistent.

Age: 5- 10

Overall: 84


Reserve de jean

Alc. 40%


Canned peaches and fresh cut cedar, saffron and flower pedals, lavender and cakey orange. Sweet nose of candied raisins. Still just a bit spry on the nose. Dank oak is around the corner.


Thin entry with brown spice turning to cassis quickly. Ripe raspberry, candied orange peel, candied ginger and cloves. Modest oak and vanilla, fresh mint tea, prune and black pepper in the finish.

Age: 13 years

Overall: 86

nice flavor, I would assume this to be a vsop.


Ulysses xo

Alc. 40%


Perfumed and floral with vanilla crème brulee becoming quite assertive. Little notes of oak, stewed red grapes and dank fruits. Anise and caramel show up after generous airing which gives a root beer soda impression. To be honest, a bit gentle and light bodied on the nose.


A watery entry with deep notes of crystallized ginger, licorice and dank currant lozenges. Very fruity. Some cinnamon and anise in the middle, leaving on some pleasant citrus.

Age: 17 – 25 years

Overall: 86

I was hoping for a fuller body. Still refuses to open and bloom.

Please note:

Spanning over 70 acres in the premier crus of cognac, the drouet family distillery has been crafting cognac from their own vines since the 1969 and has expanded their range ever since. Paying homage to the current distillers great grandfather[sic], drouet has created the xo cognac(aged at least ten years by law), Ulysses. Named after their daughter, they have crafted the vsop(aged at least 4 years by law), Melina, which I personally find to be the best in the range.

When making cognac, the grapes are harvested in September and distilled in a 1,000 litre pot still, twice. The spirit is distilled to a legal maximum of up to 72% abv, and is then aged in virgin barrels for up to a year(usually), then switched to older, used casks, as not to overbalance the profile with oak. Drouet cognac can be aged for up to 40 years, typically.

If droeut cognac has an Achilles heel, it would be the blending, which needs just a little more practice. The overall profile of these cognacs seem to be layered, rather than harmonious.