CWENN – fake news you can count on
Eastern Canadian whisky writers report comeback to writing, but disappear immediately after
[CHIPPAWA, Canada] in an ongoing investigation probing into the status of two missing eastern Canadian whisky writers, CWENN chippawa correspondent, gary schroeder reports:
It seems that there is a case of missing eastern Canadian whisky writers, johanne mcinnis and craig hilchie, two casual contributors to those pussies at our sister page, Canadian whisky reviews. It would seem after multiple complaints to the local police department, that they have deemed the two missing persons as ‘deceased; due to accidental death’ until discovered otherwise, a typical reply reserved for the undesired investigation of indigenous women by Canadian police authorities(fact), but is also applied to French Canadians(unfortunately, not fact).
The diplomatic wimp from Canadian whisky reviews, the defector gary schroeder has decided to undergo his own investigative study. He states:
‘the last I heard from johanne was that she literally wrote, “I hope Schroeder doesn’t shit his pants when he sees that im writing again” and she posted a review on our page. Then, she went missing; no more reviews, no more messages, just boom. gone. Then, our closest contributor, craig vanished after announcing his return to writing as well, although I believe he may have moved to Jamaica to drink cheap rum and trip balls on jellyfish venom, something that ive been suggesting for years.’
The investigation has revealed that there are two main suspects: john hall and black market human lung dealer, rick culver. John has been removed from the list of suspects as he only visits the east to fly fish, and has lost all concern about retaining his reputation about, well, anything, although rick culver is believed to sail quite often to the eastern seaboard to visit johanne. After applying a little interrogation, by torturing him at the steak, he revealed that he goes more often after noticing johanne doesn’t answer the door. He uses his own wax copy of a house key to enter her home and siphon off stocks of expensive scotch single malts. The torture method is simply stapling ricks arms to a wood fence and using a propane burner to incinerate a 140oz AAA Alberta grass fed porterhouse steak under his feet. After revealing the information, he was cooked fully and torn to shreds by a pack of starving seagulls. His bones were buried at sea and gathered by the unholy 6 ton centipede/octopus hybrid abomination known only as mark Gillespie.
Gary Schroeder is currently following the one consistent clue that was discovered in both johanne and craigs home; a bottle of gibsons finest sterling.
Very clean and simple nose, full of toffee, tobacco, caramel, and a little barrel note. Creamy corn, some yellow fruit, like underripe pear. A touch of mint. Not far off from standard bargain mixing Canadians.
Caramel pear, toffee, brown sugar, baking spice from barrel interaction, a little char and tapers out with spice. A creamy palate, touch of vanilla ice cream, some rotting flowers, some corn, but mostly spicy.
Mixer. Nobody is hiding that.
With a long and varied history starting as a Pennsylvania rye, gibsons finest firmly sits as a Canadian whisky. Sterling was created in response to a possible shortage of 12 year stocks and supplies the demand for an inexpensive, creamy textured mixing whisky.
This is a no age statement blend of column distilled corn whisky with flavouring malt and rye.