kings lock rum, moonshine and rye

Kings lock rum, moonshine and rye


Challenge #6 – I went too far


Editors note:

In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are my observations of when I went too far.



Art/porn: which is it? a woman stuffs a roll of yarn up her cooch and sits on display and crochets with the yarn spooling from her vag for an entire month and calls it art. There’s a short documentary on it. Two men in Edmonton stuffed mayonnaise up each other’s rectum, forced enema on each other and avoided conviction by calling it art. You get a handful of up-for-it mid forties euro trash wearing funny masks to orgy with food waste receptacles in a small italian house and you call it porn. I’m not entirely sure where we draw the line.

After getting stoned and flicking through the weird part of the internet, I think I went just a step too far when I stumbled upon this video of a few amorous go getters in a small Italian villa and they are all enjoying a mid afternoon orgy in the middle of the living room, because what else do you do with a failing economy? Nice couch. Unfortunately, those stains don’t come out. Guess they shouldn’t have removed the plastic on that one, eh?

A few minutes in and this appears to be just your average group of people fearless of hepatitis infections engaging in unprotected, pre-marital, non-committal group sex; there’s fishnet suits, masks and a funny little Italian bigmouth that seems to just love being on camera. He has a long ponytail and these strange nipple piercings of large crucifix dangling from his chest. Oh boy, I don’t understand what he’s saying, but he’s really going off in front of the camera.

The camera pans away from motor mouth onto two guys skewering this woman with their junk. Oh! Here comes loudmouth and he… pulls the girl away from the two and drags her into an open bedroom. Is this proper orgy etiquette? The two guys with bodily fluid rapidly evaporating on their softening dicks are a little shocked, but no matter, there’s another new friend within arm’s reach.

In the open bedroom the camera pans in to view chatterbox engaged in missionary position, but the camera only seems to be focused on his upper thighs, testicles and asshole, which isn’t a flattering angle. The little Italian guy finishes pretty quickly, which doesn’t seem mutual, so he uses his fingers to make the woman orgasm and ejaculate. Wow! He really is caring for her needs. Now… he’s… he’s…scooping her ejaculate up and spooning it into her mouth, which seems a little messed up, but she’s happy, so I guess it’s all goodJ

Hmm, now he has her going back to the kitchen and he’s talking and pointing to a stainless steel dog bowl full of water and now he’s asked her to drink from it, which is entirely strange, but again, she seems more than happy to….oh, dear… he’s stuffed her face in the water. Is he not letting her up? jesus! What on the flat earth is he doing? Oh, there she is gasping for air and looking like a fish out of…aaand she’s back in again. For a while she’s back in again… This guy won’t shut up and it’s almost as if she was forgotten in this dog bowl. This guy better give her air or she’s going to come out brain dead, or a nascar fan. I suppose the camera guy doesn’t want to film shallow water drowning so he pans over to a couple people fucking, right beside the dog bowl baptism. But, hey! She’s up and breathing! Good for her! In a matter of celebration, the little talkative guy lays her belly first on the linoleum floor and is spinning her in circles. She seems happy.

After the spinning gets boring the gabby troll grabs a woman by the face and invites another partner to ejaculate over her. The guy who is now masturbating towards the woman misses completely and shoots his wad all over the chest of the blabbermouth, who seems indifferent to the warm blast of semen streaming and landing on his chest. He then invites another woman over for a toilet drowning before he bends her at the waist and inserts the opening of a coke bottle into her vagina and dumps half a liter of soda in her. The effervescence must be thrilling because she absolutely loves what’s happening as she pulses it out of her like an erupting geyser. The bottle goes back in and he dumps more cola into her, but this time a naked man which I haven’t seen yet in this 15 minute sexual nightmare jumps from out of screen, into the shot and attempts catching the refreshment in his mouth. I hope somebody mentions that they forgot the mentos. After he’s done, he lays that poor woman on her back on the same plastic floor which is now covered with jizz, piss and soda and slides her under the bed in the same way you tuck away luggage, for safe keeping.

…I think im done. I think im done with porn. I didn’t achieve the slightest erection watching this sexual attempted murder. slack jawed and in absolute disbelief I have witnessed something that went too far, and now I don’t think I can ever come back. I think this is art, because Im confused by it. the regular old notion of thrusting an erection into a consenting woman seems pretty vanilla. Matter of fact, this is not for me, just like kings lock spirits. This stuff might work for some, but after going too far with Canadian craft spirits producers and being disappointed time after time, I cant come back.



Smugglers gold rum

Alc. 40%


Simple, clean and sweet with a trace of oak poking through. Young and undeveloped, needs time, but has few blemishes too. Butter rum lifesavers are starting, and some apple sauce.


Soft, thin entry, turning to sweet and spicy with an oaky pepper fade. Again, simple, but has some butter rum candies, a little toffee and assertive oak.

Overall: 79

This could work in a cocktail.


1,000 islands moonshine

Alc. 40%


Right off the hop this is full of tails or yeast, which is not a good first impression. Milk chocolate, rotten sandy apples. Light and simple, with some indistinguishable fruits, roasted nuts and blossoms, all the while, the tails are dominant.


Light and simple, this is pretty void of flavor other than the tails that seem to haunt this entire profile. Lined paper and milk chocolate are in the profile. Sweet. Fairly neutral except for a touch of oak and toffee. The texture is a bit silky though.

Overall: 70


Canadas whiskyjack rye

Alc. 40%


Tails, red apples, yeast. Sweet/sour toffee. A real disappointment. Tails and tails.


Sweet milk chocolate with chilies, vodka like profiles with wet lined paper and rotting apples, packed with yeast.

Overall: 70

Please note:

The rum is actually ok. If you see it in a shop, try it out, its flavourful enough to do well in a cocktail and you’re supporting a local business. That being said, we don’t have to be fucking suckers either. Just because a distillery is starting out, it doesn’t mean that we have to be polite and speak nicely about their products because they’re going to lose their shirt.

People may write and slam me for slagging on these poor little guys trying to get a foot off the ground and doing their best to get started, but that is shit. If the industry was a math test, you have every option to cheat. The teacher isn’t looking and you can look at anybody’s paper you want. In Canada, you can source and bottle your own, you can source it and finish it in port casks and mark up the price, you can learn from other distillers on how to tighten your cuts and still cheat. These poor little guys are taking our money too, just the same as the bank will take theirs, just as they’ve taken their investors. Poor product is poor product. this product tastes like tails and yeast, mostly. I will not spend my money on it.