last straw mangy squirrel moonshine

 

Mangy squirrel moonshine

 

Challenge #12  – I wrote for a stupid website for 5 years

 

Mangy human

 

Editors note:

In a series of personal challenges set by myself, and peers in the office, our team is going to challenge the norm and put ourselves in unnerving predicaments. Here are my observations of when I wrote for a stupid website for 5 years. 

Enjoy. 

 

Mom, 

Its been a couple days now and im scared. Im scared for my life. You remember how you and dad always said excessive drinking wouldn’t get me anywhere? You’re wrong, it got me somewhere, well, it got me lost in chippawa, in the woods somewhere. I accepted that job in the paper and took that whisky writers position, but its not a writing job, its a cult. I had to escape that house, so I ran out one morning. they’ve sent a search committee after me.

Everybody there has the same name, and they all get surgery to look like a tall, overweight guy with a beard. One time we all had to wear moustaches for like 5 weeks. It gets strange though; we are all sit through psychotic sermons praising Kenny loggins, or we were forced to believe the earth is flat, we use way too many semicolons for punctuation, a bunch of us had painful urination and we bled from our penis for weeks. Worse, the employees are always covered with urine, we eat our staff and a lot of people die here. Like, a lot. They dismembered a little blonde girl because she ran out of blue curacao at a restaurant, and then, trolled her parents. 

I think I hear people. Im going to send this out and try to hide a little better. Love you mom. 

Sent from my iphone

 

Ma, 

I’m so sorry to have left a message like that mom. I didn’t mean to frighten you. Im ok, I think. I have food, and a water source nearby. Lucky, I found this chestnut bush that sprouts little spiked pods full of seeds. Im soaking them in alcohol to diminish any bacteria. They taste pretty good too. Natures superfood, eh? I have a sturdy shelter built and I even made a friend out here. There’s this black squirrel that I found nearby. He’s sick, I think he fell out of his nest. Usually squirrels won’t leave their nest unless the mother won’t return. He looks a bit mangy, his teeth aren’t looking very straight, he stinks, some fur looks sunbleached and one eye is bulging. Seems he’s my only friend right now. I think he likes me. We’re all we have, each other. i don’t want to make too much noise or light, the guys, the garys from that stupid website are also deep in the woods looking for me. I’ve never seen a person actually quit this place, they just disappear and next thing you know, we’re eating him. these guys are savages. I just want to be left alone. Luckily, I still have that cordless charger, knife, some pressed hash and a knapsack full of booze and daytime cold meds. 

Tell dad im…. Just tell dad im shaping up to be what he always wanted for me. Love you mom. 

Sent from my iphone

 

Mom, 

My spirits are up, I haven’t seen the garys around in a while and the squirrel is making a fast recovery. Hes gaining weight. oh man, I stayed up drinking straight moonshine and cough medicine with this squirrel last night and he’s the only thing keeping me sane out here. He runs up my arm and tickles my neck. He’s hilarious. He told me that he won’t ever let the garys come after me. He’s so helpful. Im going to call him galactus I think. 

Love you guys.

Sent from my iphone

 

Ma, 

Not sure if it’s the warm october Indian summer, but I just picked a tick off the squirrel. This one time I picked a tick off izzy and we kept it in a small zipped bag on the fridge with a magnet. I watched the thing constantly, I made sure it wouldn’t get out of the bag and roam the house, but it was in a zipped baggie. it crawled around forever, until I noticed it curled up in a ball and slept for 4 hours. The next day, the same. I tried to crush it inside the bag as it slept one day; I pressed it with my finger, but it wasn’t enough, I merely woke it up, so as it scurried around the bag I pressed the back of a teaspoon on it and heard it crunch. You ever see a tick release all its babies in a moment of terror as a last defense before it dies? The baggie looked like it was filled with black mist, full of miniscule ticks running about this clear bag on my fridge door. 

Im going to eat this ball of hash and tuck in. its been about a week now, I think I may be able to find my way out soon, maybe bring galactus with me. 

Sent from my iphone

 

M,

I woke from this terrible dream about a black beast that could traverse planes of existence and enter a persons mind. Galagoth sor was the name. a small hairy beast that could control its victim psionically, at will to do its evil bidding. I guess I should lay off the cough medicine and hash. Lol. Anyway, im going to climb this tree…

Sent from my iphone

  

Ma,

If don calls tell him ill be putting out a review for the moonshine asap. 

One night I was going to host a lecture with don, he was gonna do a rum lecture for us but we stopped for pizza along the way. We approached a stop sign and in front of us we saw this black explosion a car ahead as a car smashed into a motorcycle. I ran out to see what happened. There was this man holding his face screaming that he didn’t see the kid. I looked over to see this broken motorcycle and a kid writhing on the ground, screaming in pain, pleading for god to help him, just a mess of broken bones. The driver of the car really smacked him. I piled blankets on the kid and tried to keep him calm, tried to measure how long I had before he went into shock or I would watch him die if help didn’t get there. As I laid blankets on his chest I noticed some splintered bone popping through his skin slightly in his leg. there was a little blood pooling under him. He couldn’t roll on his other side as he shattered his entire shoulder. Blood was trickling out the sleeve of his leather jacket. He rocked endlessly and screamed like you’ve never heard. He cried for his mother. I guess some things never change. 

We called for help and instead of an ambulance this silver hearse with flame decals pulls up with the license plates ‘jesusaves’. The paramedic hopped out wearing some denim overalls and circular sunglasses and It sounded like he was playing uriah heep on his stereo. I ran up to him to explain what happened as he bent over the fallen boy and flipped up his blankets and tossed them back down as the boy shook in convulsion. He turned and grabbed me by the shoulder, walking back to his car, trying to comfort me I guess. He pulled out a pack of smokes, lit one with a long match and threw it over his shoulder and it landed where the kid was lying. The blankets went up in a fireball as the kid underneath wailed and cried. 

‘hardest part of the job’ he told me as we walked back to his car. He opened the door and sat in his seat, while pot smoke billowed out the door. He gave me one last look and said ‘listen to more black sabbath, kid.’ As the door closed I looked back to no longer see any fire, just two kids painting each others face with a pile of black ashes. a girl painted a skull on the boys face and the boy painted a crucifix on hers. Beside them a man was spooning the ash into his mouth and washing it down with the liquid from a punctured Lysol spray can. The boy reached over and grabbed the girl by the face, twisting it until her neck audibly snapped under the pressure. The man put his spoon down, sauntered over and bit off her lips. He chewed them like bubblegum as he strolled down the street, whistling the chorus to paul reveres ‘kicks’. 

When we got back to the lecture I got drunk and wrestled old man culver on a gravel driveway in front of some white collar types that paid very well to hear my lecture. I had the guy in a headlock for 12 minutes. The fucker died in 4. Some people just got no hustle. Dude still owes me $20.

Sent from my iphone

 

Mum,

I can no longer trust galactus. he has fully recovered over these two weeks and has grown into a 28 pound black beast who breaks tree limbs he climbs. I woke up with him on my face, his tail covering my nostrils, his body covering my mouth. He wants me dead. i must now kill the djinn that the garys have conjured to find me. Ive seen them practice black magic. Juju. They hunt me. They call at night, they carry flashlights, but ive outsmarted them. They left pamphlets and pieces of paper with my picture, my name, stating that im missing and that they are a search party, looking to save me. Ha! Save me? Who can save me when they cannot save the man that I snared and cooked him on a rotisserie? 

One of em kicked up my trigger, which pulled a tree limb up and tied a lasso of fabric around his feet. As he hung upside down I slit his stomach open and let his guts fall out so I could skewer him with a branch and rest him over an A frame for a cooking fire. Galactus and I shared the flesh, but now I believe he has the taste for human, it will soon be a battle for supremacy. 

Sent from my iphone

 

Mom, 

Last night as galactus slept I grabbed him by the neck and shook his body until he went limp. Im packing up my stuff here and im heading towards this stream to see where it leads. I’m coming home. Ive fashioned a spear, I will use it for defense when the garys spot me, as well, ive consumed the last of my hash and drank the cough syrup so I can continue to fight, anaesthesiated, if needed. Im on the stream now, ill mail asap. 

Talk soon,

Sent from my iphone

 

_

Obituary for Schroeder, gary

Schroeder, gary(38) deceased. Gary, a.k.a. the Canadian whisky enthusiast, a.k.a. g-shro, a.k.a. shrodes, a.k.a. chef will be cremated without ceremony. Family is asking for donations to be made to the Ontario craft distillers association. Gary always said they need as much help as they can get. 

_

“audio log of autopsy of gary schroeder… October 23, 2018. 

Ok…. So here we have, gaaarrryyy skroedler….a.k.a. loony lou, a.k.a. cannibal Klaus, a.k.a. village psycho, a.k.a. the chef of flesh.  Alright, apparently found on the side of the road wrestling a full grown skunk he apparently referred to as galactus…. Toxicology reports large amounts of pot, high proof alcohol, moonshine, I suppose, datura seeds and over the counter cough syrup ingested over the last 58 hours… sheesh, no wonder this guy was found hallucinating on the road. Ok… in his stomach seems remnants of black animal fur, no doubt skunk and what seems to be apple skins. This guy must have been mad. Reports say he snared, eviscerated and ate a member of a search committee from chippawa, poor sod. The police found him naked, dressed only in Hartford whalers briefs and very intoxicated. Dehydrated, insane and hallucinating. He looks a bit mangy, his teeth aren’t looking very straight, he stinks, some skin looks sunbleached and one eye is bulging.….wounds from animal scratches… the main cause of death seems to be….

Aah shit. Pause. I gotta take this call.’

Alternate ending

There was a knock on the door when a lady opened the breezeway to see gary, accompanied by three police officers. Gary was held up in the arms of two police officers, naked and full of scratches from what looks like a medium sized animal attack.

‘ma’am, we found your husband. He was on the side of the road fistfighting a stop light. We stopped him just before he tried to impale the pole with a skunk, hence the scratches. Hes completely delirious, we think he had been eating out of a patch of jimsom weed. Hes been hallucinating for a couple days now it seems and I think he may be rabid. Hes been with this skunk for a couple days and skunks never show up during the day unless they are rabid. theres no telling just what hes been up to, hes been murmuring strange things about his mom and saying ‘sent from my iphone’, whatever that means and he keeps demanding that its october 23rd. If you like, we can release him to your custody, otherwise, we would have to euthanize him, as per municipal law of chippawa.’

The lady in the doorway looks gary up and down. 

‘that simply is not my husband,’ she exclaims. ‘my husband died 4 years ago at a distillery in Hillsborough when a swarm of squirrels attacked and ate him. That is a homeless man covered in piss and possum scratches.’

‘but, umm, best of luck with that guy.’

As the police turned to escort gary back to the police car, gary took one last long, dreaming look back at the woman, he reached his arm out to try to grasp her hand in a way a child grasps for his mothers hand in need. she winked, twinkled her fingertips and smiled as she mouthed the words ‘told ya so.’

 

Alc.50%

Nose:

A simple, clear spirit with traces of wet paper, and raw almonds. Very light, smooth and friendly. No tails to be found. 

Palate:

Milk chocolate, paper, some spice and alcoholic heat, but this is super smooth. It falls down the throat like silk. This is what higher end vodkas want to taste like. grainy ,sweet corn. clean exit. 

Overall: 83

Please note:

A by product of the aged corn/sugar moonshine, ‘darker side of the moonshine’ this is corn and sugar cooked and fermented to strip the mash of the last of the collectable alcohol. A typical American whiskey yeast is added to the mash. 

The resulting mash is soured and triple distilled in a pot/column hybrid still upwards of 90% abv, then filtered using screens, instead of carbon filters. This product is then brought down to bottle proof and sold in jars, marked ‘inspired by gary schroeder’.

Overall the last straw distillery has had its share of bumps and bruises as a starting distillery, but is finally gaining some traction in southern Ontario. With solid heart cuts and, no frills and honest product, we will see some aged whisky in the next year, hopefully. The major weakness to last straw distillery is time; they are not sourcing aged product, rather weathering the test of time and aging their own distillates, which takes at least three years before it can be sold as whisky. 

Keep an eye out for these guys, it is my belief they may become a powerhouse in Ontario distilling.