masterson’s 12 year wheat whisky

Mastersons 12 year old wheat whisky




Cc/Bcc: gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder, gary schroeder

Subject: rambo


Hey boss,

that copy guy in the office whose always making machine gun sounds and wears the red headband just sent me an email that I thought I should share with you, which you’ll find attached below; apparently this guy has been watching all 4 rambo movies non-stop for the last few weeks and has written a cwe article for you to post. I was going to run it without notifying you, but this one is exceptional; its rambo’s dating profile.

You remember Rambo, right? He’s that fictional character stallone played in the 80’s when the theatres were all filled with predators, commandos, terminators, airwolf, piranhas, etc. well, Rambo was the one to stand out; at first we saw Rambo stumbling into a sleepy town in which the town sheriff drove him out of city limits because he was a vagrant and we all thought that the sheriff was some sort of dick, right? Turns out the sheriff was just protecting the town from a fucking mad terrorist. Rambo comes back and levels the town with a stolen machine gun. He blows up the gas station, gun shop, kills the police dog and then kills the entire police force. Christ, the guy takes down a chopper with a fucking rock.

Anyway, Rambo is discovered in jail, and he’s let out on a sort of parole where instead of going free, he’s sent into vietnam to survey this pow camp and see if its active. Well, Rambo disregards orders and kills hundreds of Vietnamese and Russian soldiers in the most horrific ways possible and these guys were just trying to defend themselves. He electrocutes people, shoots them, burns people to a crisp, stabs a guy with a microphone and beats people to death. He shoots a military lieutenant with an explosive arrow! That guy had kids, and now he can’t even be buried with honor, the guy just…disintegrated. He gets an American ally killed, and he crashes a bunch of equipment that costs both sides millions of dollars. At one point Rambo crashes a tank headfirst into a war helicopter and he’s responsible for a morbid horse slaughter. The military employees couldn’t even be court marshaled after rambo came through, it’s because Rambo killed them.

To put it briefly, Rambo exists, so others cannot.

That’s the consistent Rambo story, ever. The guy does nothing but murder on a fucking global level. The people that watch these films fucking idolize this freak. In a nutshell, Rambo is 100% testosterone and 0% sex drive. He has no time for pussy and he couldn’t fuck anyways, because his dick is crafted from 4 inches of blue American steel. Rambo has no ability to reason, just like this copy guy who mailed me this dating profile. Personally, I think we should just give this guy an expense card and send him off to interview the current second string goalie for the whalers and hopefully he never comes back. I don’t want to fire this guy vis-à-vis. See attached.

Gary Schroeder

Copy editor

~Sent from my blackberry~


Dating profile for john:


Hello ladies. My name is john. John j.

I’ve recently retired from the everyday grind and I’ve been looking to kick back and relax with a nice lady, possibly Caucasian, who speaks broken English with a poor asian accent. My last relationship lasted roughly four whole days before my girlfriend was shot dead by a Vietnamese war criminal. I honored her by burying her body in a shallow grave of mud that I collected from a nearby stream.

Myself? I stand about 5’5” although you wouldn’t know it and I weigh about 180 lbs. I have a long brown perm, with bangs and brown eyes which people say have a thousand yard stare. I don’t typically wear facial hair, but I like to rub charcoal on my face so it looks like I have a little beard stubble. If I were to compare my looks to a celebrity, I would say my face looks like eric stoltz from the 80’s drama ‘mask’, because my face is an asymmetrical collection of tumours, cysts and beestings. I’m physically tone and I like to spend some alone time in the wilderness.

I am a retired Vietnam veteran, although I have worked part time in Afghanistan, Vietnam, Laos and Burma, doing some humanitarian aid work. Otherwise, I make a little side money removing snakes, driving nice church folk in my riverboat and building monastery for some local monks, and I live in a tropical setting.

I’m a man of few words and I like to let my body language do the speaking for me. I’m always around to defend the honor of a lady, and I’m not afraid to choke a snake unconscious, or beat a dog to death with my fists. I’ve even been known to shower a girl, with blood.

My hobbies include horseback riding, archery and marksmanship. I don’t drink, but I do enjoy football and the only time I smoke is after I’m lit on fire. I have, on occasion, cauterized my own wounds. like the one time I was in Afghanistan and sustained and grotesque impalement; I dumped gunpowder into the entry of my wound and lit it on fire to close the gaping hole through my abdomen.

I’m physically able and very strong; I can throw a knife into a person’s heart at 30 feet away and I can make a helicopter crash by throwing a rock at it.

People say I’m like mastersons wheat whisky; I spend a lot of time in Canada, but I typically show up in the usa.

If you’ve looked over my profile and like it, don’t worry about contacting me. Ill find you.


John j Rambo


Alc. 50%


Sweet toffee and smooth grain. Dusty, old linen closet, with sweet grape wine and pastel candies. Egg nog and Christmas spices. Soft on the nose.


Egg nog, nutmeg, sweet golden plums, sultana raisins make for a delightful entry and end on oaky dry, but very smooth finish that tastes like orange soda. Creamy texture and at 50%abv, you wouldn’t know it. Molasses and cola keep the bass notes. Wonderful sip.

Overall: 91


Please note:

This was distilled and aged at the Alberta distillers plant, which was later bottled by an American wine company called 35 maple street, which is a subsidiary of the other guys wine company. Sourced, sent and bottled by an american company, this was a one off project along with mastersons barley. We will likely never see these bottles again.

After a heist in which the majority of these bottles were stolen in a warehouse robbery, even fewer ever made it to the shelf. This bottle originally sold for 80$ in the lcbo and when it failed to leave the shelf, it dropped quickly to 50$, when it was snatched up by lucky consumers.

This is a rare chance to try a 100% straight wheat whisky aged solely in virgin barrels.