mixology – barrelling annie

Mixology – barrelling annie cocktails

 

mix-up

 

I really need to reconsider my choices in life. Should I swear more often? Reconnect with my faith? How did I get here? What am I going to do now? My life could be very different in about 5 minutes when the cops bust in here and pull me out of this room with my pants around my ankles, my exposed and embarrassed genitals flailing about in the open air, and four ribs broken. cops don’t take it easy on people in my current position. i would be beaten unconscious for ‘resisting arrest’ likely. possibly I could suffer a couple liver strikes; I could be subdued, laying on the cold tile with my hands cuffed behind my back when a cop would hammer down with all his weight and deliver two solid left arm elbow shots at my unguarded liver. I remember watching bas rutten deliver a side kick directly into a guys liver and he rolled in agony for ten minutes before he could gain enough composure just to get on his knees and vomit blood. The liver shot is the most debilitating thing an unarmed man can inflict with fists or feet alone. I bet I would piss blood and lose my sex drive for a week. Oh god, I can hear the footsteps now, stalking down the hall as each step falls with a clack on the floor, so hauntingly slow. each step echoes like a trent reznor piano riff, 45 beats per minute, it’s simply the most intimidating sound I can think of right now. they know I have no place to go; I’m stuck, cornered and unable to even contemplate defending myself. Although, in my only defense, I could strip my pants and free my legs, tear off my shirt and rub myself down with whatever remaining shit I can harvest from the toilet below me, smear two hashmarks under my eyes in a mark of warpaint and start throwing punches and try to escape, but for how long could I run? Not long. ..I’m in a tiny cubicle, the cops wouldn’t brawl a shit covered pervert, I would simply be tazed into a 2 month coma. How would I be depicted in court? Would I see my sketch in the local paper, adorned in tattered orange jail jumpsuit, with bat wings puncturing through the back, a hairy neck and pointed ears?

How did life get so bad? Geez man, I wish I were in somebody else’s life right now.

How is it that I found myself, locked like a prisoner in a burger king bathroom stall, in the women’s bathroom? That’s the easy question to answer, now how to get myself out without being interpreted as a sexual predator?

Well, the first question is easy; I was walking to the Niagara falls craft distillery, a 10 minute walk from where I was dropped off for a 10am appointment(A 10AM APPOINTMENT ANDY). But when I arrived, nobody was there, not even the Scotsman that booked the 10 am appointment. Perhaps he was running on Scottish time, I’m not sure, but I know this guy runs himself ragged. Rather than waiting for the man himself to show up, I decided to take a constitutional around the block, when the impending gurgle of intestinal steam worked its way into my gitch. I’m on lundys lane at 10 am. What’s open? Not much. Sure as hell not the distillery I have a 10 am appointment at. Desperately, I searched, panicking, running to find an open restaurant or public bathroom, when I spotted the burger king. Typically, pooping in a burger king is a little below my personal standards, but its go time and shit is literally getting real.

Passing by the glares of slack jawed, under achieving counter employees I slink into the bathroom to notice the only stall getting locked at that moment. Fuck. My head spinning around searching for options; do I shit in the sink? No. the urinal? No. my pants? No. oh god, I’m sweating, clenching my cheeks, staring at the sink. I know! the women’s bathroom! It’s my only choice. I sneak in with perfect stealth.

Relief! Hallelujah! Sweet relief. Shit, footsteps! A woman walks in and sits in the stall next to me and empties her bladder, as I tuck my feet to the opposite side of the stall, because if this lady notices her stall partner has size 15 dc men’s skate shoes, and discovers I’m a man, I’m fucked. Oh christ, I wish I could just slip into somebody else’s life….. wait! I know! the cwe think tank is a single person with a god complex, a herpes simplex and suffers multiple mental identities, let’s just think about what the other guys are up to……

…..Canadian weed enthusiast

Pharma bee honey sticks

If they’re called forearms, why do you only have two? How about this question, have you ever been kicked in the balls so hard you had to take a shit?….

……no. oh god that’s stupid, let’s see what somebody else is up to……

….’so, when is it ok to stare at somebody’s labia then?’ questioned gene worts as he brushed his mustache, ‘I mean, these girls all wear these stretch pants and all you can see is fucking vag man, I mean, NOW can I look? If not, why are you showing it off in public? Like, you’re dropping your kid off at school and there’s your sexual outline, its like a wax box for pressing keys. Oh look, here’s my vag, I can show it off because I had a c-section and my delivery didn’t blow the hinges off the barn’……

Jesus Christ, remind me to fire that guy. Am I the only personality in my mind writing a decent article right now? Let’s see what this guys up to…..

….with both front hooves planted on the ground, deen bucked out both hind legs and kicked the door right off its hinges to reveal a blubbering man on his knees outstretching his hands and arms in a futile defense/helpless beg for mercy, to save his life. Deen shoved aside both arms and crashed down with the steel plate of a steam iron. Blood and bone splattered the deers chest as he raised his arms for another crashing strike, an eyeball hung from the man’s eye socket, still clung by the thick pink fibers of the ocular stalk….

Ugh, I’m not really in the mood for a deen article right now, but that reminds me that I could very well be the victim of a severe beating any minute. For fucks sake, I’ve got to get out of here without being detected. How did sam fischer do it so often?

The woman next to me seems to be done peeing; it doesn’t sound like a garden hose spraying into a half full bucket anymore. I’ll just wait a minute for her to clean up and get out so I can make my cool, sleek egress. Did she?… did she just snap a picture with her pants still around her ankles? Ok, ok, don’t laugh. Keep it together man. Alright, now she’s cleaning up and, yes! She’s getting out. Ok, think man, think. Shit, what a mix up this is….

She’s gone. Ok, flush, pull up trow and skip the hand washing, I don’t need to be in here any longer than necessary. The double door. Shit. There’s two doors, not just one I can peek through. Ok, just commit man, you got this. Commit. Yank the door open, swing your arm to the next and push through, with your shoulder dropped so you can plow whatever woman might decide to pick the wrong time to relieve herself in this burger king bathroom at the same time that you’re trying to escape. If I’m caught in here, I’m going to jail.

Ok, now I look up at the ceiling and start talking to myself; god, if you’re up there, I guess I have a few things to explain; first being, I’m sorry. I know I’ve not been the best Christian, but listen, I’m not asking for forgiveness, I’m just making a plea here. I’m going through those doors with all my momentum and I’m going to steamroll whoever comes through those doors, if anybody, so please god, please, do not make it a little girl, because I will trample her like an elephant stomping its abusive east Indian circus trainer. For her sake, I hope you can hear me, you enigmatic, world-ruling, greedy, dictating, miserable, merciless fucking cocksucker. I just need to get out of here without causing any physical harm to any innocents so I can go pitch my barreling annie mixology ideas to the Scotsman.

big breath…… and…. GO!

Annie on a diet

1 ounce barreling annie

4 ounces diet cola

Serve over ice

Old annie

90ml barreling annie

10ml simple syrup

2 dash bitters

Shake over ice, strain into clean ice, garnish with orange peel

Annhattan

90ml barreling annie

45ml sweet vermouth

15ml brown sugar syrup

1 dash bitters

2ml maraschino juice

Mix over ice, strain into chilled glass, garnish with maraschino

Sour annie

90ml barreling annie

15ml lemon juice

15ml simple syrup

2 dashes lemon bitters

Shake over ice, strain into clean ice

Pecan annie

50ml barreling annie

30ml sherry

10ml lemon juice

20ml smoked pecan syrup(smoke pecans, simmer in syrup until flavourful)

Shake over ice, strain into clean ice, garnish with candied pecans

Please note:

Barrelling annie is a sourced whisky from the newly opened Niagara falls craft distillery, sourced from a Canadian distillery. It is a high rye whisky, crafted in pot and column stills, first aged in virgin barrels with #3 and #4 char levels. After the whisky is blended and shipped to the nfcd, it is then aged another 3 months further in virgin casks and has .0002% natural butterscotch extract added to give character(although it is not marked as a flavoured whisky on the bottle).

The nfcd is housed by the syndicate restaurant and is coupled with a brewery. The nfcd is currently storing their own stock of aged whisky.