flavoured whiskies(and how to drink them)

Flavored whiskies(and how to drink them)

 

Steal music/steal minis

 

Back in ’99 I became familiar with napster. napster was one of these fantastic programs where you could download and steal whatever singular digital mp3s you choose. napster became quite popular very quickly because of instead of paying 20$ for an actual album, you could just take whatever tracks you wanted and burn them onto your own copy of a disk, for next to free.

Let’s face it, the music industry had been robbing us kids since ’94 and albums released in the late 90’s only held one or two listenable tracks out of 12, or 15, or, god forbid, 20, so I saw downloading music as getting my money back. On top of that it was the ultimate in discovering underground, rare, bootlegged, and unreleased material that you just couldn’t find in stores.

Now, of course there were repercussions; very popular bands filed lawsuits against their fans for stealing their music, which resulted in giant drops in record sales, stripping bands of large annual profits. This, naturally, lead to a revolt in the group of fans, who boycotted such bands filing lawsuits, like metallica. It’s a textbook example action/reaction. After all, this is all just dandy for me because I never found metallica listenable after ’91 anyways. To tell you the truth, saint anger was my favorite release from them after the black album and everybody else pissed on it. please, forgive me if you’ve seen me drunkenly slur my way through this monologue in a police holding cell in the afternoon, but saint anger was probably metallica’s best release since the first five. True, the album was bob rock, their producer’s idea to simulate the sound of a currently popular band at the time, but the sound from metallica was unearthed, resuscitated and alive. No boring, droning intros into songs, no epic solos, and no art. What we got was a furious, stripped down, thrashing album with unnerving, crisp snare beats from an otherwise commonly sedated, wrinkled, weak, bald and elderly drummer which gave a d-beat influence never heard from metallica. Of course, the album was richly promoted and ended up as a commercial flop, which added yet another blemish to metallica’s name.

It would seem that talking about metallica has distracted me yet again; we should focus a little more on what’s important anyway. to find music on napster, you typed in the name of the song, or band, or other key words to indicate what you were seeking. So here I am on my friend’s computer, searching for some really aggressive punk rock, for instance, bands like sham 69, or the exploited. if I got stuck searching band names I would just type in a really over-the-top key word, like ‘fuck’. So, I type in ‘fuck’ and search. Oooh! D.o.a.’s fuck you, or dead Kennedy’s nazi punks fuck off, or anal cunt’s you’re old(fuck you). Ha. That’s kinda funny. Maybe ill just keep checking out this band and their genre called grindcore. There’s a band called pig destroyer, maybe ill give them a look too.

Oh! Whats this? Seems somebody sent me a private message through napster, maybe this guy has similar taste in music as me, ill just give this a click…

Message from heavydaddy: a/s/l

Me: ?

Daddy: age, sex, location

Me: oh. a/s/l, I get it. 19, male, Niagara

Daddy:19 huh? You’re into hardcore stuff?

Me: yeah man! I’m into hardcore stuff! I like sham 69, the exploited, pig destroyer and anal cunt.

Daddy: wow, you are a firecracker. You like 69, exploitation, destroying pigs? I can do all that.

Me: oh wow! You have more of that?

Daddy: uh huh. So, what are you wearing?

Me: oh me? Like band shirts? Umm, im wearing my sex pistol shirt.

Daddy: mmm. I went to go see the sex pistols when I was your age.

Me: so cool! How long ago was that? I hope they come play around here, I’d have to go to Toronto to go see them probably, but that’s ok.

Daddy: I saw them 20 years ago. Im 42. Is that ok?

Me: uhh, sure man. Being old is kinda alright I guess. Why would you ask?

Daddy: you know, so we can meet up some time and try that anal 69 stuff you were talking about.

Me: jesus fuck man! Are you trying to pick me up through a music sharing site?

Daddy: what? are you that dumb kid? Of course! That’s what these fucking napster channels are for. You think I want to talk about music? So, when are you coming up to toron- CLICK. Minimize.

Oooooh boy. I did NOT see that coming. Hold on a sec while I just turn this off, rip out my keyboard and bury it in the backyard. Turns out napster was really just a perverted music stealing, man/boy hook up site that actually crashed my friends computer with all the viruses I picked up from downloading for a few hours.

If I learned a lesson, on a moral level, you really shouldn’t go around stealing music though, because you can face some real repercussions like being sexually harassed by an assumedly overweight internet prowler who’s into younger guys. Besides, if you want the satisfaction of theft, you can just walk into a liquor store and buy a bottle of booze with one of those minis attached to the top. The little extra is almost as good as stealing anyway, and they’re usually filled with fun flavored items, like the ones I’ve listed below here.

 

THE APPLES

Crown apple

Alc. 35%

Bottle:

Typical of a crown royal bottle. Green label.

Nose:

Soft, overripe macintosh apples, foamy banana and cotton candy. Incredibly sweet nose with vanilla and candy shop impressions. White grape juice. Big, clustered, artificial nose with no trace of spirit.

Palate:

Super sweet, apples with a touch of baking spice with just enough black pepper finish. Mimicking the nose with boiled candies, soft apples, spun sugar and artificial banana. Floral.

Overall:

Nice with soda.

Wisers apple

Alc. 35%

Bottle:

Pretty standard rectangular bottle with a granny smith green label. black screw top lid.

Nose:

Soft red apples, foamy banana, cotton candy and soft pastel candies. Spice lads to hinting of baked goods. Very smooth on the nose.

Palate:

Very sweet and pleasantly spicy. Over ripe, soft red apples, rye and brown spice, black pepper and cinnamon hearts. Beery sourness. white grape juice.

Overall:

The most natural tasting apple whisky yet.

Jim beam apple

Alc. 35%

Nose:

Plump, overripe red apples, fresh blossoms, foamy bananas, although artificial. Some spirit pokes through, icing sugar, vanilla. Simple soft nose focusing on mushy red apple flesh.

palate:

Sweet sour Macintosh Apple, soft bourbon notes, orange syrup. Banana and subtle spirit. Sweet, thick and peppery exit

Overall:

Its ok. Ill have another.

THE HONEYS

Forty creek honey spiked

Alc. 40%

Nose:

Honeycomb and vanilla. Soft toffee. Clove, cinnamon. Grassy.

palate:

Sweet, lightly spiced, honeyed. Pleasant. Not sticky as expected. White truffles.

Overall: not bad.

Jack daniels honey

Alc. 35%

Nose:

Toffee, milk chocolate and incredibly floral honey, which is pleasantly dominant. Sweet nose with a touch of oak and no spirit.

Palate:

Super smooth and sweet cream entry, some mint-chocolate candies, and floral honey. Some brown spice and beefy oak in the finish, and this cleanly fades with no trace of alcoholic burn. Velvet in the mouth and throat.

Overall:

Legendary. The best flavored whisky I’ve ever tasted. Outstanding as a spirit.

Jim beam honey

Alc. 35%

Bottle:

Nose:

Floral honey and milk chocolate off the first whiff, followed by some faint apples and just the slightest teasing at some bourbon at the end. Smooth on the nose. Some spirit starts to poke through, but otherwise a very simple nose. Non complex.

Palate:

Sweet. Spicy. Thick and creamy. Floral honey and milk chocolate are consistent to the nose, with some decent barrel notes, brown spice, spice cake and some pleasant artificial fruit flavor impressions. A little sticky on the palate, which fades into a sweet, minty finish.

Overall:

Pretty good. Compared to honey jack, this seems to be a bit more focused on a beefy whisky profile, while the honey is dominating and ever present.

THE CINNAMONS

Fireball

Alc. 33%

Bottle:

they seem to have updated the label from an old speed racer comic book cover to a blatant plagiarism of the Scottish lion. The bottle still looks like a cough syrup bottle. Flat and shouldered. We’ve learned from the past that a flat bottle shatters quite easily.

Nose:

I let this air out in my tasting room for almost an hour prior to tasting and all I can smell is artificial cinnamon essence. Cinnamon hearts, fireball candy, big toes and big red chewing gum. Light young spirit comes out overtop the artificial cinnamon.

Palate:

Overwhelming fake cinnamon takes the front and middle while fading into an actual whisky taste when the fake essence lifts. It tastes like a very young corn whisky actually. This is very oily stuff, sweet and theres some burnt crème brulee hiding in the palate, with, oooh, cayenne! This boasts heavy fake cinnamon and is riddled with cooked sugar notes. Its thick and has strong profiles of caramel, toffee, mc D’s honey sauce and a little vanilla extract. I taste no oak.

Overall:

Gross.

Jack daniels Tennessee fire

Alc. 35%

Bottle:

the same presentation of the old no.7 but this is dressed with a firetruck red label.

Nose:

Cinnamon hearts are exploding from the glass. The cinnamon smells quite artificial, like the flavouring in candies, rather than cassia bark. Slightest essence of apples, but this really focuses on cinnamon. There is the lightest feint of an oaky corn whiskey, but its difficult to detect.

Palate:

Somewhat sweet, heavily drowned in cinnamon hearts. Thin, but syrupy. A quick finish with a sweet cayenne ending. Basic, hot and uninspiring.

Overall:

I would avoid a second glass

THE MAPLES

Canadian club chairmans maple

Alc. 35%

Nose:

Maple cookies, maple sugar and familiar liqueurs. Dry wood, dusty spirit hides behind sweet profile. Butterscotch pudding. Touch of mint.

Taste:

Sweet butterscotch pudding, maple leaf candies, maple glaze, icing sugar, minimal alcoholic burn. A bit floral and perfumed. Simple. Sweet.

Overall:

Tame, delivers on its name.

Gibson’s 100th grey cup

Alc. 40%

Bottle:

Gibsons carries a very similar bell and stalk type of bottle shape which doesn’t change from bottle to bottle. Its squat and stout. The label is a cool looking football shape smattered with the image of the grey cup and a maple leaf. It has a black plastic screw top.

Nose:

Through and through dried tobacco and that does not change. It smells dry and tannic. Clean oak and slight cleaning chemicals. Some dry brown sugar, deep notes of molasses, dry and dusty rye backed up by some baking spices. Clean sawdust.

Palate:

The driving aroma of the tobacco follows on the palate as well. There is some surprising chocolate, sawdust, butter and just a little hint of maple, which is pleasing. Coating, creamy palate with some charred corn and a touch of mint. Fades out sweet with some aggressive rye spice which edges out any chance of overwhelming maple sweetness. Very smooth.

Overall:

Lightly flavored and focused on whisky. pretty enjoyable.

Crown royal maple

Alc. 40%

Bottle:

No surprises here, If you’ve seen a crown royal bottle before. The difference is that this one sports a burgundy label on it, with the word maple smeared across like a stop sign.

Nose:

The nose is quite easy to predict, because you can smell an open glass from five feet away. Seriously! So, we have an opening of maple. Imitation maple, brown sugar, sugar in the raw, soft toffee, a little oak, butterscotch pudding, holiday spices and pancake syrup. Theres some candy cane poking around in there hidden behind the layered maple leaf cookies and nutmeg. The nose is complex, but it doesn’t evolve or tend to change much.

Palate:

So smooth. This tastes like candy. Black magic chocolate truffles, mint leaves, milk chocolate, brown sugar, toffee, soft pulled nougat and brown sugar. This is rich and creamy and very sweet. There are whisky aspects to this as well. The baking spices seem to come in the middle with corn and bourbon and finish with light black pepper, but all the while battles the same imitation maple taste that was introduced from the nose.

Overall:

Flop.

THE VANILLAS

Wiser’s spiced vanilla

Alc. 43%

Bottle:

Typical rectangular prism blocked out by a gigantic beige colored label blatantly labeling spiced and vanilla before the wisers in recognized, which is fortunate. I would hate for this to be the only impression of wisers products.

Nose:

thick glucose and vanilla with headache inducing spice. Cinnamon.

Palate:

sugar and spice. Ambiguous and incomprehensible. Sugary, thick and full of spirit. Fake flavouring clogging the palate and making it hard to judge what it is im tasting exactly. Thick with cooked sugar and glucose. A little woody expression enveloped in murky, burnt vanilla tobacco. Hot, hot cinnamon and sprinkles of other baking spice extracts. Short and horny.

Overall:

Mixer

HOW TO ENJOY

Apple whiskies

Apple whisky goes great in a tall cocktail of soda and a splash of lemon

Honeyed whisky

Brew a tea with ginger, lemon and a sprinkle of cayenne. Let cool slightly and sweeten with some honeyed whisky in a warm toddy.

Maple whiskies

Shake over ice with a dash of bitters, like you would an old fashioned, but omit any sugar. Garnish with an orange peel. I call it ‘the hilchie’ to commemorate a dear friend who inspired this cocktail.

Cinnamon whiskies

Mix equal parts cinnamon whisky, irish cream and butterscotch schnapps in a chilled shooter.

Vanilla whiskies

Mix with coke. truth be told, im a sucker for vanilla coke.