Whisky sponge reveals its true identity as well known Canadian actor
[Niagara falls, ON]when Canadian whisky enthusiast reporter neville schroeder had allowed his son to play in the ball pit at a local chain fast food restaurant while his wife was using the facilities, he reported to have run into Canadian icon, jim carrey scrambling out of the square play-box filled with colorful plastic balls.
He reports; “yeah so I was taking my kids shoes off so he could go play while my wife was taking a piss and all of a sudden, jim carrey came flopping out of the ball pit. At first, I was a little surprised, then I thought maybe he was getting into character for his next movie role as an overgrown child, but it ends up he recognized me and he was scrambling to ask me something. He ran up to me frantically and he was shouting ‘neville! neville! You write for Canadian whisky enthusiast, right?!’ and so I nodded. He tried to shake my hand, but I noticed his crotch and left leg were soaking wet. I suggested to him maybe he got a drink spilled on him or something and he informed that he had trouble holding his bladder and sometimes he pisses himself when he gets excited. He later confessed he’s an adult bed wetter, which probably stems from his being breastfed by his mother until he was 16 years old.’”
neville was shaking his head and chuckling in disbelief while reporting the story to a local fellow Canadian whisky enthusiast writer and staff member.
“and so, I was just joking when I asked him what else he could confess to me to embarrass himself further, when he leaned in and asked me if I could keep a secret. Of course, I can’t, but he didn’t have to know that. So, jim leaned in and whispered ‘im the whisky sponge.’ Of course, I didn’t believe him at first, but it all made sense. Logically if you add it up, the sponge isn’t funny and neither is jim carrey. Jim explained that he had tried to team up with fellow comedian adam sandler, but adam retorted that he had to keep some sort of integrity, so he wouldn’t embarrass himself writing rubish for the sponge. Adam had priorities dressing up as a sassy overweight black woman for his next big role. For jim alone, it was a perfect fit. I mean, if you look at the main exports of the Scottish, you have barbaric violence, whisky, trains, and sheena easton, who just so happens to sing about trains and people who ride trains because they’re so hammered from drinking scotch. If they’re barbaric on the train ride, I’m not sure… The scottish have zero comedians, so it was the perfect place for jim carrey to fit in. so, jim carrey created the whisky sponge and he told me he’s currently their writer.”
“jim told me ‘if Canadian wash-ups like mike myers can throw on a Scottish accent and amuse people who like humourless media, I could too. It worked for my movies.’”
Neville continues: “jim went on to say that he was ‘looking to start a dating website where people could get drunk and have intercourse after meeting on the internet, from all over the world when they went on whisky vacations.’ That’s why jim called it the sponge, it was a metaphor to a cum soaked prophylactic! So when people go to Scotland, they can have unprotected sex with other travelers. I mean, most Scottish are too ugly to fuck, so the tourists have to hook up with other Canadians, Kentuckians and the Japanese, who coincidentally all make far better whisky too. The Scottish need drunk tourists as a draw! if they didn’t have so many distilleries and cask strength whiskies, the Scottish population would thin out from lack of fornication. the poor Scottish women haven’t seen a circumcised dick in decades. let’s consider that jim carrey is the world’s most despised and obnoxious Canadian, he can’t get laid in canada anymore. Travelling back and forth from Scotland to dig up some dusties and write for a low standard website was his last chance to have consensual sex with a breathing woman.”
neville went on with the story of meeting jim carry: “it all figures in the end. It was the perfect transition. You get guys like jim carry who haven’t been funny, since, ever to create and write for an unfunny column. It’s all very boring and septic like scotch, right? Who could possibly find originality from a country that prides itself on one grain?”
“I mean, we’ve figured out the sponges’ formula for low-brow success a long time ago; name dropping. Write a short column consisting of three paragraphs about things that were covered months ago and start dropping names that are in the writing business. Eventually, if you keep dropping names, people will eventually catch on and start reading to see if their name will be mentioned. it’s a failsafe method to get noticed, it’s like when haig club bought beckham to promote that swill. Beckham?! The last uprights he’s bent anything through already had the entire sony corporate line up run through it. I suppose being a whore is the successful way to instant attention though. I remember reading an article where the sponge named people who hadn’t been previously mentioned on the sponge before, asking to be mentioned on the sponge. Well, I guess it was just Gillespie asking to be ribbed… personally, I’d rather see my name on a violent sex offender list or as a prison gang rape victim statistic, it would have more prestige, you know?”
“Quite honestly, the articles are written by a guy reading from an old collection of forgotten blogs and he’s armed with a thesaurus to just barely glance off any plagiarism accusations, plus it’s about as funny as a funeral eulogy. The sponge doesn’t even write whisky reviews! I couldn’t blame the sponge for not wanting to drink that shit, it’s just barley water with moss squeezed into it.”
“well, that’s the sponge I guess,” recounted neville as he was scratching the back of his head, trying to remember specifics. “before I left, I remember an older englishman yelling at jim carrey to get back to work. The old man was wearing some dusty old fedora and complaining about the smell of sulphur coming from the soda machine. Jim turned and yelled ‘I’m coming boss!’ before he asked me to keep his identity secret, he also told me working for old man murray was a real bitch, but he had to keep working hard if he wanted that bottle of dewars for a christmas bonus this year. ”