wild turkey 81

Wild turkey


you have to try and understand how you get to hunting a turkey.

So you have to take this gun safety course, for hunting of all sorts. In the first course, you learn things like: don’t stick juggle your loaded gun, or don’t finish the entire 12 pack then go hunting. After that, at a certain age, I believe 16, you can take a course, to hunt spring turkey, respectively. The thing is, its not a ‘how to shoot turkeys’ course, it’s a ‘how not to get shot by other turkey hunters’ course. I mean, lets face it, you’re hunting a turkey, something that has been known to unwittingly drown itself in the rain, by staring at it with its mouth open. Yeah, so hunting turkey is kinda like a cheesy version of double dragon: you jump over water obstacles(crevices, streams), dodge gunshots(other hunters) and then at the end you have to kill your bud.

I had to join my father on this week long affair of walking through the woods alone, with a loaded gun and do nothing but stay quiet and pay attention. At that point in my life most of the conversations with my old man ended up with me being reduced to tears, so a week alone with loaded firearms? Hilarity ensues.

So, how do you kill a turkey? Just stand somewhere and shoot it. Right?

You sat there until almost noon and you’re really hungry and need a smoke then by chance this bird starts to make calls around you. The bird is a turkey. Hes trying to call for a mate. The male turkey walks in and hopefully, its not another turkey hunter thinking you’re actually a turkey and you shoot it, rather than a hunter thinking it’s a good idea to shoot blindly into the woods at whatever turkey sound he just heard(yup, that shit happens).

This turkey is just looking for some strange, and you pop this fucking dude right in the face like an epic tony soprano unloading into steve buscemis face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Here’s the kicker: you have to be all ‘rat-a-tat-tat’ and gat this cracker right in the face. You wont do anything if you shoot him in the chest. These things wear medieval plate mail under their feathers and not even a shotgun blast to the chest will kill it. It’ll just roll around and get up thinking you’re a dick and just walk away.

Oh, and for you bleeding hearts out there, let me remind you I hated every moment of this stuff. Pointing a gun at an animal for me is like watching a jim carrey movie with a grateful dead soundtrack. And just to further that point, rather than watching jim carrey flicks or listening to the grateful dead, id rather castrate my own manhood, and eat my own unwashed cock. Just to get things straight.

Seriously though, if you want to shoot a wild turkey, its available at just about any bar. Do your shooting from a glass.

Alc. 40.5%


Straight bottle up and down. Large label of a wild tom


Spearmint and barley. Sweet toffee and butter, mixed with honeyed cereal. Orchard fruit and cream corn.


Minty, grassy, sour barley, sweet and spicy. Simple. Toffee. Straightforward and non- complex.

Please note:

This is a fairly young bourbon and it’s the base offering of the wild turkey brand. It got its name after the distillery executive, named Thomas McCarthy brought it out to a hunting camp one year(1940), and the next year his buddies would say ‘hey, why don’t you bring out some of that wild turkey whiskey’, and so a brand name was born. It is highly regarded American whiskey, especially the 101 line.

The distillery is near lawrenceburg, Kentucky and is part of the legendary bourbon trail.

In may 2009, a fire blazed through an old rackhouse and sent barrels ablaze. The barrels that burnt sent out burning whiskey, which, unfortunately set the nearby woods on fire, and seeped into the Kentucky river, killing a large portion of the fish and such inhabiting the river. There was an estimated 66 miles of contaminated water. Dutifully, the company paid out over a quarter million dollars to the Kentucky dept of fish and wildlife to recover the losses.


I will always keep a bottle of this on hand.

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